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Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, December 14, 2009
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A VERY SPECIAL “RATED R” ISSUE! |
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PARENTAL ADVISORY |
WASHINGTON – In what some have called a defining moment of his presidency,  President Barack “Lenny” Obama announced that he would send 30,000 more troops into Afghanistan. He claimed that the surge of troops is meant to he hard on the Taliban, pounding away at them harder and harder, never letting up. He vowed to hit at them all night like a lumberjack if needs be until they scream for mercy. “They will feel the sharp thrust of our bayonets,” He said. “We will push hard, we will not withdraw until the job is done. They will beg for mercy at the amazing size of our war machine! Ooooooooooooohhhhhhh yeah!” He then stepped outside to have a cigarette. |
THAT OLD SWEET SONG KEEP AGKHAZA ON MY MIND |
| Voters in Abkhazia, the separatist enclave in Georgia, have re-elected President Sergei V. Bagapsh by a decisive margin. President Bagapsh has vowed that his first order of business will be to buy the country a few more vowels. |
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TOP TOYS FOR THE CHRISTMAS SEASON |
| Tickle Me Paris Hilton Hungry, Hungry Hasselhof Chris Brown’s Rockem, Sockem Robots Lindsay Lohan Easy Bake Meth Lab |
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LIKE THE SANDS IN THE HOURGLASS |
The CBS television network has announced that it is cancelling the long running daytime soap “As The World Turns.” The show, which has been on the air for 57 years, will air it’s last episode next year, then it’ll be told that it’s daughter isn’t it’s, fall into a deep coma, become possessed by a demon and eventually die in a horrific plane crash only to be brought back to life and kept in a cabin in the woods for five years., And to think, people don’t like Soaps, I wonder why? |
JET! |
| Legendary recording artist and former member of “Wings”, Sir Paul McCartney said this week that he regrets marrying Heather Mills. So do we all, Paul. So do we all. When reached for comment, Heather Mills asked if we wanted fries with that. |
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THE TIGER SLEPT TONIGHT |
| Golf legend Tiger “Three” Woods got what every man wants for Christmas, to be outed as a serial adulterer. … …  … Wait, let me try that again. Legendary golfer Tiger “Sleeps Tonight” Woods found himself in trouble when it was discovered that he had been having affairs with, at last count, up to thirteen women and a voice mail to one of the women has been released and rumours of naked photo’s and a sex tape continue to circulate. Which reminds me of a joke. How are Tiger Woods and Santa Different? Santa only has 3 Ho-s Don’t forget to tip your waitress! |
MEANWHILE |
| The backgrounds of the women at the heart of the Tiger Woods scandal continue to come out. According to sources, two of the women are high priced escorts, one didn’t know Tiger was married, one was upset that he was sleeping around of her, one may pose for Playboy and several have hired high priced attorney’s. Meanwhile his wife has reportedly purchased a large home in Sweden, his Mother in Law had to be taken to the hospital for chest pains and many of Wood’s commercial sponsors have pulled their ads. Well what do you know, Golf IS interesting after all. |
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| CPFOG the Blog is: Gord Gardiner – Writer – A dirty boy. Anonymous – Didn’t want to admit to the Tiger Woods Joke, but suggested we blame Todd J. for it. Jen Gardiner – Puffreader. |
So there you go Todd, you get props for not doing anything. Just like a real lawyer. |
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