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A VERY SPECIAL “STATE OF THE UNION” ISSUE |
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STATE OF THE NATION OF STATES |
WASHINGTON – On Wednesday the 27th, President Barak “Hi Say” Obama stood in front of a joint session of Congress to deliver his first State of the Union Address. During the almost hour long speech Obama addressed job creation and Federal Deficit reduction, although some were upset that he did not address the … … OH MY GOD Samantha Harris is leaving Dancing with the Stars!!!! What are we gonna do now? Why isn’t someone doing something about this?? This is the WORST THING TO HAPPEN EVER!!!!!!! … after which he tried to solve a Rubics Cube while singing the love theme to Saint Elmo’s Fire. So a successful night overall for the President. |
I’M LOOKING AT THE MAN IN THE MIRROR |
| LOS ANGELES – Los Angeles prosecutors announced that Dr. Conrad Murray, the Doctor at the heart of the mysterious death of Michael Jackson, will turn himself in on Wednesday the 3rd to face charges in Jackson’s death. Finally we will begin to get some answers |
THE FACE OF BO |
| INDIA – The last speaker of an ancient language in India's Andaman Islands has died at the age of about 85. the death of Boa Sr was highly significant because one of the world's oldest languages - Bo - had come to an end And so in celebration of you, Boa Sr, I would like to say in your native language … but I can’t. So there. |
IT DON’T MATTER IF YOU’RE BLACK OR WHITE |
LOS ANGELES – Los Angeles prosecutors announced that Dr. Conrad Murray, the  Doctor at the heart of the mysterious death of Michael Jackson, will turn himself in on Thursday the 4th to face charges in Jackson’s death. Finally we will begin to get some answers |
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WHEN A SOMETHING MEETS A SOMEONE COMING SOMETHING SOMETHING |
CORNISH, N.H. - Reclusive author of the book The Catcher in the Rye J.D. Salinger  died this week at the age of 91. Much like the author, his funeral will be a private affair that is far too long, full of itself and boring as hell. And much like his famous novel, many people will have claimed to have not only been to the funeral, but stayed until the end and make sure everyone knows that the funeral changed their lives. Finger sandwiches will be served. |
AGAINST THE WALL |
| LOS ANGELES – Los Angeles prosecutors announced that Dr. Conrad Murray, the Doctor at the heart of the mysterious death of Michael Jackson, will turn himself in on Friday the 4th to face charges in Jackson’s death. Finally we answers to will begin get some. |
GAGA? I HARDLY KNOW HER! |
The music industry celebrated itself with the awarding of the 2010 Grammy Awards. The ceremony, held at the Staples Center in Los Angeles, featured appearances from such notable music artists as Lady Gaga, Neil Young and  someone named Snooki. CPFOG is proud to present a short list of notable Grammy winners. - Lady Gaga won for “best dance recording by a person who may or may not have both sex organs. “ - Neil Young won the “He’s close enough to death that we might as well throw him a bone” award. - The “Way to sell out in the worst way possible” award went to Green Day for being Green Day. - “Best New Artist” went to some band you’ve never heard of before, and there is a huge chance you will never hear of them again. |
INSERT RANDOM MICHAEL JACKSON LYRIC |
| LOS ANGELES – Los Angeles prosecutors announced that Dr. Conrad Murray, the Doctor at the heart of the mysterious death of Michael Jackson, will turn himself in on Monday the 8th to face charges in Jackson’s death. For Christ's sake, just shoot the man already. |
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OH WHEN THE SAINTS … |
SOUTH FLORIDA - Congratulations go out to the New Orleans Saints Football team for winning the Super bowl. For those who don’t know, the Super bowl is a game where a bunch of men in tight pants run around getting sweaty, tackling and rolling around with each other, and at the end they slap each other on their rear ends. The game was watched by an estimated 100 Million majorly heterosexual men worldwide. |
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| CPFOG the Blog is: Written by – Gord Gardiner Proofread by – Jenifer Gardiner |
Showing posts with label Obama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Obama. Show all posts
Monday, February 8, 2010
WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, February 1, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, January 25, 2010
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A VERY SPECIAL “IHUMOR“ ISSUE | |
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CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? | |
WASHINGTON – In what some call “Digital history”, President Barak “Husain- what?” Obama became the first commander-in-chief to “tweet” when he posted his first message to the social networking site Twitter. On January 19 Obama tweeted the message “Is this how you do this? Am I doing it right? Wussap!” Two minutes later he added his second message “OMG the Jonas Brothers rule!!! lol” | |
DICTIONARY BLUES | |
OTTAWA - Thousands of Canadians took to the streets this weekend, opposed to  Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s prorogation of Parliament. The protests were peaceful until someone asked what “prorogation” meant and everyone just freaked out. Meanwhile the leaders of the opposition, Michael Ignatieff (Liberal) and Jack Layton (NDP) acted as if they could do something about it, which I think is just adorable. Who’s a good leader of the opposition? You’re a good leader of the opposition? | |
MEANWHILE BACK AT THE RANCH | |
| SOME COTTAGE SOMEWHERE – Meanwhile Prime Minister Stephen Harper said that the rebuilding of earthquake ravaged Haiti would take at least a decade and that “Canada must commit to Haiti in the long term … sometime … later … not right now. You know it’s not like they aren’t going to still need help in a few weeks.” He then poured himself another mai-tai. It’s good to be the Prime Minister | |
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NOT LIKE I HAVE A CHANCE | |
HOLLYWOOD – News out of Hollywood says that movie power couple Brad Pitt and  Angelina Jolie may or may not have broken up. According to many outlets, the couple have or have not come to an agreement over a separation and that Jolie will or will not retain full time possession over the couples many children. The potential separation rumours did or did not begin when a tabloid magazine announced that Jolie possibly, but possibly not had an affair with a language coach on the set of her new movie, and that the golden couple have or have not seen divorce lawyers in order to split their fortune, which is or is not rumoured to be in the $350 million range. Man, I’m getting tired just trying to keep up. | |
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THIS JUST IN … STOP THE PRESSES … THIS JUST IN | |
| HOLLYWOOD – It has been confirmed that Angelina Jolie is indeed seeing someone, who has replaced Brad Pitt in her life. So congratulations to new power couple Angeline Jolie and Jay Leno. Man, is there anything he won’t break up? | |
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IDon’t Know | |
Computer and cool gizmo maker Apple is going to hold a news conference on  Wednesday to announce a new technology they have created. While there is no official word as to what they might be announcing, most Apple watchers seem to agree that the item will be the long awaited “IReality.” “IReality” is rumoured to be an application that is much like real life, but cooler, with a snazzy case and the ability to download such apps as “IFood”, “IGirlfriend” and the much anticipated “ISexual Encounter.” Critics, though, say that this new “IReality” is nothing more than regular reality in an new case with a nice pair of headphones, but Apple fans still wait with anticipation for what will, no doubt, make Steve jobs a lot richer. | |
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| CPFOG the Blog is: Gord Gardiner – IWriter Jen Gardiner - IProofreader | |
IT MEANS TO DELAY. WHY THEY CAN’T JUST SAY DELAY IS BEYOND ME |
Monday, December 14, 2009
WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, December 14, 2009
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A VERY SPECIAL “RATED R” ISSUE! |
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PARENTAL ADVISORY |
WASHINGTON – In what some have called a defining moment of his presidency,  President Barack “Lenny” Obama announced that he would send 30,000 more troops into Afghanistan. He claimed that the surge of troops is meant to he hard on the Taliban, pounding away at them harder and harder, never letting up. He vowed to hit at them all night like a lumberjack if needs be until they scream for mercy. “They will feel the sharp thrust of our bayonets,” He said. “We will push hard, we will not withdraw until the job is done. They will beg for mercy at the amazing size of our war machine! Ooooooooooooohhhhhhh yeah!” He then stepped outside to have a cigarette. |
THAT OLD SWEET SONG KEEP AGKHAZA ON MY MIND |
| Voters in Abkhazia, the separatist enclave in Georgia, have re-elected President Sergei V. Bagapsh by a decisive margin. President Bagapsh has vowed that his first order of business will be to buy the country a few more vowels. |
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TOP TOYS FOR THE CHRISTMAS SEASON |
| Tickle Me Paris Hilton Hungry, Hungry Hasselhof Chris Brown’s Rockem, Sockem Robots Lindsay Lohan Easy Bake Meth Lab |
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LIKE THE SANDS IN THE HOURGLASS |
The CBS television network has announced that it is cancelling the long running daytime soap “As The World Turns.” The show, which has been on the air for 57 years, will air it’s last episode next year, then it’ll be told that it’s daughter isn’t it’s, fall into a deep coma, become possessed by a demon and eventually die in a horrific plane crash only to be brought back to life and kept in a cabin in the woods for five years., And to think, people don’t like Soaps, I wonder why? |
JET! |
| Legendary recording artist and former member of “Wings”, Sir Paul McCartney said this week that he regrets marrying Heather Mills. So do we all, Paul. So do we all. When reached for comment, Heather Mills asked if we wanted fries with that. |
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THE TIGER SLEPT TONIGHT |
| Golf legend Tiger “Three” Woods got what every man wants for Christmas, to be outed as a serial adulterer. … …  … Wait, let me try that again. Legendary golfer Tiger “Sleeps Tonight” Woods found himself in trouble when it was discovered that he had been having affairs with, at last count, up to thirteen women and a voice mail to one of the women has been released and rumours of naked photo’s and a sex tape continue to circulate. Which reminds me of a joke. How are Tiger Woods and Santa Different? Santa only has 3 Ho-s Don’t forget to tip your waitress! |
MEANWHILE |
| The backgrounds of the women at the heart of the Tiger Woods scandal continue to come out. According to sources, two of the women are high priced escorts, one didn’t know Tiger was married, one was upset that he was sleeping around of her, one may pose for Playboy and several have hired high priced attorney’s. Meanwhile his wife has reportedly purchased a large home in Sweden, his Mother in Law had to be taken to the hospital for chest pains and many of Wood’s commercial sponsors have pulled their ads. Well what do you know, Golf IS interesting after all. |
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| CPFOG the Blog is: Gord Gardiner – Writer – A dirty boy. Anonymous – Didn’t want to admit to the Tiger Woods Joke, but suggested we blame Todd J. for it. Jen Gardiner – Puffreader. |
So there you go Todd, you get props for not doing anything. Just like a real lawyer. |
Monday, November 30, 2009
WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, November 30, 2009
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A VERY SPECIAL “DOG LIKE SICK” ISSUE |
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THERE’S NOTHING UP MY SLEEVE | ||
WASHINGTON – The Secret Service was left red faced this week when,  during President Obama’s first official State Dinner, a couple gate crashed. Not only did they make it into the event without invitations, but they also posed for a picture with Vice President Joe Biden and met the first couple in the receiving line. The couple, identified as Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale, would not speak directly to the press, but in a prepared statement said something about “Moose and Squirrel.” | ||
GALILEO GALILEO GALILEO GALILEO | ||
ROME – The director of the Museum of the History of Science in  Florence, Italy proudly announced that they have found two fingers and a tooth that were removed from the corpse of famed scientist and male model Galileo “Figaro” Galilei in 1737. The items were removed from Galileo’s corpse by enthusiastic admirers when the body was moved 95 years after his death. One of the fingers was recovered soon after, but the rest of the items went missing. When asked where the items were found, the director mumbled something about “checking behind the couch” and “the other jacket.” | ||
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IT’S RAINING MEN! | ||
| The world of highly sexualizes pop music was rocked this week when American Idol runner up Adam Lambert presented a highly raunchy performance during the American Music Awards last week. Lambert, who is openly gay, performed his song For Your Entertainment. During the song he simulated fellatio with a dancer and full on kissed a male keyboard player, or as otherwise known, stuff Madonna did fifteen years ago. | ||
CHRISTMAS GIFT TIP #2 | ||
| Toys are fun for birthdays, but at Christmas what a child really desires are socks. Socks are not only the perfect Christmas gift for children, they are the ONLY appropriate gift for children. So buy your child nothing but socks. Mountains of socks. They will love you forever. Trust me. | ||
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JUST A BIT OUTSIDE | ||
| The world of hitting a little ball into a hole was shocked this week when Tiger Woods, after an argument with his wife, smashed his car into a tree after striking a fire hydrant., Woods will now have to drive his other car because, even though he has two cars, he now has a hole in one! BWAHAHAHAHA get it? Oh man I kill me! Thank you. Try the veal. | ||
CHRISTMAS GIFT TIP #3 | ||
| Sure buying Christmas gifts early is practical, but to really show how much you care wait until the last day to buy your presents. Trust me, when your mother opens up hew floor model foot massager show will love you for life! | ||
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| CPFOG the Blog is: Gord Gardiner – Wants a Pony for Christmas. Jen Gardiner – Wants a Pony pooper scooper. |
NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE ALONG! |
Sunday, November 15, 2009
WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, November 8, 2009
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A VERY SPECIAL “LIFE IS LIKE A MOVIE” ISSUE |
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DOMO ARIGATO MR PRESIDENTO | |
WASHINGTON – President Obama embarked Thursday on his first presidential visit  to Asia. The eight day trip will see him visit eight cities in four countries. The most notable visit will be to Japan. While there he will appear on their top talk show Sakaseusang, where he will chat with the host, play human Tetris and get hit in the nuts with a pole. Other guests will include Japanese movie star Chiaki Kuriyama, singing group Pabo and prop comic Carrot Top. Obama will also visit China, where he will visit the Great Wall, Singapore where he will visit the Singapore Art Museum, and Korea where he will visit the remains of the 4077 M*A*S*H unit. | |
A FEW HELPFUL TIPS FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION | |
| OTTAWA – On Thursday the Canadian Government released a new citizenship guide which warns newcomers against “barbaric cultural practices.” "In Canada, men and women are equal under the law," the document  says. "Canada's openness and generosity do not extend to barbaric cultural practices.” The document then goes on to define such practices, including honour killings, spousal abuse and playing music by the band Oasis. Other cultural no-no’s included in the document are: - Hugh Grant will be shot on sight. - No one is allowed to pronounce the word “ask” as “ax.” - No one is allowed to say “Git er dun!” or however the hell you spell it. - The Benny Hill show will be judged on an episode by episode basis. - Asking if Canadians actually pronounce the word “About” as “Aboot” is ground for deportation. - and finally we all drink Tim Horton's. Live with it. | |
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INDEPENDENCE IS HARD TO DO |
More than thirteen years after release of the first movie, Roland Emmerich has said he is planning two sequels to the movie Independence Day. The first movie, ID4-2: Independence Boogaloo, is said to take place years after the first movie and will catch us up on the cast from the first movie as they face a new alien threat. The next movie, ID4-3: Independence Day with a Vengeance, will find the cast swimming in an Olympic sized pool of money from the previous movie. Michael Caine is attached. |
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I SAY, OLD CHAP, GOOD SHOW |
LOS ANGELES - Former boxer and Bob Vivant Man About Town  Mike “Earlobe” Tyson was arrested this week at the Los Angeles International Airport. Tyson, who has had his share of trouble with the law, was arrested on suspicion of being the ringleader of a rare art theft ring. According to Interpol, the international police agency, Tyson had seduced a female insurance investigator while instigating a clever game of cat and mouse, all the while planning, and then making off with the classic painting San Giorgio Maggiore at dusk by Monet and … … … Nah, he hit some guy. But that other thing would have been so cool. |
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| CPFOG The Blog is: Gord Gardiner – Writer, French Guy. Ryan Joyce – Photoshop expert, German guy. Jenifer Gardiner – Prof Redder, Asian Chick. |
SERIOUSLY FOLKS, IT’S PRONOUNCED “ASK.” THREE LETTERS! HOW HARD IS THAT??? |
Sunday, October 11, 2009
WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Sunday, October 11, 2009
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A VERY SPECIAL “TURKEY DAY” ISSUE |
HEADLINE WRITER CAN’T THINK UP FUNNY HEADLINE! SO THERE. |
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PEACE IS THE WORD. IT’S GOT A GROOVE, IT’S GOT A FEELING! |
WASHINGTON - The world was shocked this week when the committee that awards the Nobel Peace Prize announced that it was awarding the award to American President Barak Obama. Speaking at a press conference, Nobel committee members defended the choice by saying the award was given due to his "efforts to strengthen international diplomacy" and for creating "a new international climate in politics" and for “not being George Bush.” When questioned further of the choice, members said “sure there were others nominated who had done more over a longer period of time, but to research this would have taken valuable time away from our game of Risk, and Henry there almost conquered Australia so we consulted our magic 8 ball and it said “signs point to yes” and that was good enough for us. |
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THE MUSIC OF THE NACHO’S |
LONDON - Composer Andrew Lloyd Webber has announced he is preparing the stage a sequel to his hit musical The Phantom of the Opera. The new musical, titled The Phantom of the Bowling Ally, takes place ten years after the original. The Phantom is now a pin boy at a local Brunswick Bowling ally who still has a crush on Christine, now a star attraction of the Ladies Pro Bowling league. Or maybe not, but it makes about as much sense as what he’s really planning. |
HOW CAN WE MISS YOU IF YOU WON’T GO AWAY? |
| HOLLYWOOD - The world of 12 year old teen girls, thirteen year old teen boys and thirty year old perverted men was shocked this week when Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus The video, performed as a rap song, was released on the public video sharing site YouTube, where it garnered over a million hits. It was then decided that the video would be released as part of a DVD package titled Miley Cyrus: Private Life Public which will be turned into a movie in which Cyrus plays a tween star who desperately wants to keep her private life private but can’t. (Based on an idea by John Hughes.) Meanwhile, if anyone is interested in keeping up with Miley’s personal life, you can always go to her personal web site, her Facebook page, her Myspace page or her YouTube page. |
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IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP |
CALGARY – After the death of a man in Calgary, Canadian health officials are  warning people to stay away from tainted cocaine. According to officials, the tainted drug is laced with a drug that cures worm infections with animals, that can lower white blood cell counts and weaken the immune system. When reached, a spokesman for Health Canada said the drug was “Totally a bummer man. I mean, it’s one thing to get a bad high, but this is, like, worse than getting a bad high. I mean, I mean … what do I mean? .. oh yeah, don’t take the brown acid man.” He later went on to describe why Doritos's are the best food in the world before he curled up into the fetal position and started singing Innagoddadavida quietly to himself. |
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| CPFOG The Blog is: Gord Gardiner – Writer, Toker, midnight smoker. Jen Gardiner – Puffreader, lover, singer. Todd Jenney – Guy who had his joke stolen and didn’t get so much as a thank you. |
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