YET MORE HEADLINES for Wednesday, February 10, 2010

HEADLINES: THE RESULT OF TOO MUCH ORAL SEX? OR… THE RESULT OF TOO LITTLE ORAL SEX?

Blah blah blah… witty opening, witty opening continues, sudden TWIST hey presto.   Which can only mean…   IT’S TIME TO HAVE FUN WITH HEADLINES!!!!!!

VANCOUVER PROTESTERS FORCE HARPER TO SCRAP APPEARANCE   SURPRISE TWIST: HARPER’S ONE MAN SHOW “THE ACCOUNTANT WHO ROARED” PERFORMED IN AN AUTOMOTIVE WRECKER’S YARD IS A SMASH HIT!

FORCES IN 'SHOCK' OVER COLONEL'S ARREST   …EXCEPT FOR WIND… AND GRAVITY. THEY BOTH SAW IT COMING.   Or…   CHICKENS FROM KENTUCKY DECLARE: “IT’S ABOUT FREAKIN’ TIME!”

N.L. CHOPPER CRASH WIDOW ASSAILS COMPANIES

CSIS WON'T OPEN FULL TOMMY DOUGLAS FILE   CBS WON’T RELEASE FULL THOMAS MAGNUM FILE   CBC CONTINUES TO IMPRISON TOMMY HUNTER. NOT A FILE. THE ACTUAL TOMMY HUNTER.

SASK. FINANCE MINISTER HAS PARKINSON'S   HAS PARK IN SON’S… WHAT?

CALGARY MED STUDENTS VOLUNTEER AT HOMELESS SHELTER   MORTALITY RATE AT CALGARY HOSPITAL SOARS AS UNWIELDY MOB OF DISPLACED HOMELESS DRUNKS AND JUNKIES DIAGNOSE PATIENTS, DISPENSE PHARMACEUTICALS AND PERFORM SURGERY

WINNIPEG THIEF TARGETS OLYMPIANS' VAN   ZEUS LAUGHS BRIEFLY BEFORE TARGETING STUPID THIEF’S ASS WITH LIGHTNING BOLT.

ETHICAL-SEALING PLEDGE COULD LIFT EU BAN: SENATOR   UNETHICAL FLOOR POLISH COULD CAUSE EU TO SLIP ON FLOOR: JANITOR.

CALGARY UNDERGROUND TATTOO PARLOURS CLOSED   …TURNS OUT PEOPLE WHO LIKE TATTOOS ARE CRAP AT TUNNELLING.

SNOW BLANKETS SOUTH-WESTERN ONTARIO   UH… RAIN TOWELS NORTH-EASTERN MANITOBA?

SLAIN WOMAN IN COLONEL CASE REMEMBERED   …REMEMBERED WHAT!?! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THIS COULD BE IMPORTANT!!!

HULA HOOP SHORTAGE DUE TO OLYMPIC FEVER   YOYO SHORTAGE DUE TO SWOLLEN… AH WHO’S KIDDING WHO? THERE’S NEVER GOING TO BE A YOYO SHORTAGE.

N.L. HOCKEY COACH CHARGED WITH SEX ASSAULT   WON’T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!?! OH WAIT. I MEAN SOMEONE ELSE!!! ANYONE ELSE???   NO WAIT. NOT YOU PRIESTS!

OLYMPIC TORCH LIGHTS UP VANCOUVER'S NORTH SHORE   OLYMPIC FIRE EXTINGUISHER BARELY ARRIVES IN TIME.

N.L. BRIDGE SECTION COLLAPSES INTO SALMON RIVER   IN A RETALIATORY MOVE SALMON BUILD NEW SCHOOL IN ITS PLACE.

SERIOUS ALLERGY REACTION WORRIES N.L. SCHOOL   DOCTORS REASSURE SCHOOL THAT BUILDINGS CAN’T ACTUALLY HAVE ALLERGIES.

CELL PHONE DRIVING BAN NEEDS TO GO FURTHER: CAA   OH COME ON!!! WE CAN’T EVEN DRIVE CELL PHONES NOW!!!   HOW THE HELL CAN YOU BAN THAT MORE!?!

AIR CANADA TO SUE FOR TORONTO ISLAND RETURN   TORONTO ISLAND SAYS IT’S “NOT COMING BACK UNTIL AIR CANADA APOLOGIZES FOR SLEEPING WITH THAT TRASHY ‘VIRGIN’ AIRBUS”.

PREPARE FOR RISING SEA LEVELS, HALIFAX TOLD   SUGGESTIONS INCLUDE WATER WINGS, SURFBOARD TRANSIT SYSTEM & LEARNING TO HOLD THEIR BREATH FOR A REALLY LONG TIME.

QUEBEC LEGISLATORS DEBATE DEFICIT, ETHICS   WHAT DEBATE? IS ANYONE ACTUALLY ARGUING THAT THERE ISN’T A DEFICIT OF ETHICS? I MEAN… THEY’RE POLITICIANS FOR GOD’S SAKE!

VANCOUVER TAP WATER VIES WITH OLYMPIC SPONSOR   OLYMPIC SPONSOR OBJECTS TO BEING USED TO TAP THINGS   AND WHAT THE HECK “VIES” ARE.

EXPLOSIVE CHEMICALS NOT STOLEN AFTER ALL: RCMP   TURNS OUT THEY WERE RIGHT WHERE THEY SHOULD BE… IN THE CENTRE OF THAT GIGANTIC SMOKING HOLE OVER THERE.

OLYMPIC SPIRIT WILL LAUNCH B.C. REFORMS: THRONE SPEECH   SO… THE DEAD HAVE RISEN, THEY’RE REFORMERS AND THEY WON’T SHUT UP!

TORIES NEED PLAN FOR ISOTOPE SHORTAGE: IGNATIEFF   I THINK THEY’RE CONFUSING THE FACT THAT IGNATIEFF MAKES PEOPLE SICK WITH HIM BEING RADIOACTIVE.

BOOST FUNDING FOR FAMILY AT ER INQUEST: JUDGE   IF THEY WANT MORE CASH LET KING OF THE HILL PAY FOR IT: CLOONEY.

HOARDER'S HOME BOARDED UP   HOARDER THRILLED THAT SHE CAN NOW STACK CRAP AGAINST THE WINDOWS.

CARGO SHIP FREED IN ST. LAWRENCE RIVER   THAT’S NEWS? OKAY FINE. SAILBOAT JACK’S BOAT ALSO IN ST. LAWRENCE RIVER.

OWN THE PODIUM TO GET NO EXTRA FUNDING   UH… I THINK I’D RATHER OWN THE PODIUM TO GET EXTRA FUNDING. WOULDN’T YOU?

CRASH BY WINDSOR CLOSES HWY. 401 WESTBOUND   PERHAPS THE CITY SHOULDN’T DRIVE DRUNK.

TIM HORTON’S DEFENDS CUSTOMER BAN   SO… THEY DON’T WANT CUSTOMERS.

ANOTHER N.L. CHOPPER CRASH INEVITABLE: UNION   OKAY THAT’S IT! UNION? YOU’RE FIRED!!!

RED TAPE DELAYS HAITIAN RELIEF VOLUNTEERS   MAY WE SUGGEST SCISSORS?

APRIL WINE ADDED TO CANADIAN HALL OF FAME   HALL OF FAME CRASHES INTO WAYWARD CITY OF WINDSOR.

NORTEL STRIKES DEAL ON PENSIONS, DISABILITY   WHAT A SHITTY DEAL. “HERE, HAVE ALL THE DISABILITY YOU WANT.” WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

HEADLINES for Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Okay, for starters…   Once upon a time… one must figure out how to get back down off of it again.   A beginning is a very dangerous time… Where you’ll find Bruce Cockburn being excessively literal.   It was a dark and stormy night… so I had five. A dark and stormy being a popular Caribbean Island drink consisting of rum and ginger beer.   In the beginning… God realized that things hadn’t started yet.   There once was a girl from Nantucket… No really. There was.   A long, long time ago… uh, that’s why I forget.   But I digress. At least in the sense that having established no coherent course I’m still refusing to stay on it.   I went and saw the movie “Paranormal Activity” on the weekend. It was actually an excellent movie except for one glaring oversight: You know all the creepy supernatural unexplainable stuff that happens? Well, that stuff is impossible.   Which can only mean…   IT’S TIME TO HAVE FUN WITH HEADLINES!!!!!!   And once again, Ladies and Gentlemen, if these weren’t real headlines, would David Letterman be able to do this? OBAMA’S TOP ADVISORS LEAN TOWARD PLAN FOR 30,000 MORE TROOPS FOR AFGHANISTAN   Obama’s Middle Advisors Lean Away From Plan For 30,000 More Troops For Afghanistan   Obama’s Lowest Advisors Bend Over Backwards And Crab Walk Out The Door To Get Away From Plan They’re Convinced Is Trying To Eat Them WITH QUEBEC WIN, TORIES INCH CLOSER TO MAJORITY   …Bumping Into Obama’s Already Off-Balance Top Advisors In The Process And Causing Them To Fall Over MASSIVE BRAZIL BLACKOUT TRIGGERS CRIME ALERT   Massive “Brazilian” triggers blackout ENERGY WATCHDOG URGES DEAL ON CLIMATE   Lethargic Watchdog Purges Pee On Carpet HTC DROID ERIS, THE UNDER-DROID   …Are not the droids you’re looking for! LEAFS LOSE 5-2 CLUNKER TO WILD   Canucks lose pink slip to 57 Chevy to Reserved   Canadians trade rusted out Volvo to Cautious-But-Gullible PM SOOTHES PREMIERS' VACCINE WORRIES   …Massages Away Mayoral Wrinkles and Cures MPP Laugh Lines VATICAN LOOKS TO HEAVENS FOR SIGNS OF ALIEN LIFE   So… Given Up On The Whole “God” Thing Then? DID ARMY GIVE HASAN A PASS OVER MUSLIM RELIGION?   “Passover?” Who the hell proofreads these things. UA PILOT CHARGED WITH BEING OVER ALCOHOL LIMIT   No, Me Not A Pilot At All ANGER OVER AFGHAN WAR AS 6 UK WAR DEAD MOURNED   AHHHHHHHH!!! SAD MILITARY ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FLAMES, KIPRUSOFF STIFLE CANADIENS   HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! …Stifled Canadiens… heheheh… hoo… HEALTH MINISTER "OUTRAGED" OVER PLANS TO GIVE H1N1 VACCINE TO AFGHAN DETAINEES   So… she’s… not outraged then…? TOO FEW TOILETS FOR OLYMPICS: ASSOCIATION    Not as popular as the “Let’s Have As Many Toilets As We Need For Olympics Association” but you know what? Good for them. Way to have a goal. WINNIPEG ENVIRO-CAR DESIGN GETS INTERNATIONAL NOD   St. John’s Enviro-Trawler Gets International Cod Vancouver Enviro-Hookers To Get International Rod… Y’know, when the Olympics start up. POTATO HARVESTERS EYE DISASTER RELIEF   POTATOES… EYES… GET IT!?!?!?!?! SPEZZA CATCHES BREAK IN SHOOTOUT   Which was good. Cause he was a little winded. PARENTS JAILED FOR ALLEGEDLY BEATING SON   Actually, Son Beat Himself But He’s Catholic So… Mom And Dad Stepped Up And Finally… RESCUERS WHO SAVED TEEN TRAPPED ON ICE FLOE FIND THEMSELVES STRANDED ON ICE   But I think we can all agree that the important thing here is that they found themselves.