TOP FIVE REASONS AVATAR WILL WIN THE BEST PICTURE OSCAR for Tuesday, January 5, 2010

As has been pointed out in several articles (HERE is one) Avatar is basically white guys apologizing for the terrible things they may, or may not have done to non-white guys.  And what better a way for white guys to redeem themselves, philosophically speaking, than to give (what apparently will be) the highest grossing movie of all time the biggest movie award of the year?   Remember, the academy is filled with white guys, and once and awhile we white guys have to do something to philosophically say we are sorry for being white guys.    Avatar is our guilt trip of the year.  We use Avatar to apologise and we are guilt free for a whole year.  I can feel my shoulders relaxing already.

The way the Oscars work is that leading up to the big day (March 7, for those who plan ahead) several thousand organizations give a bunch of awards.  People who vote for the Oscars pay attention to these awards, and notice trends, and use those trends to help decide what to vote for.   (If anyone out there votes for the Oscars and would like to correct me on this, feel free to.  But history proves I am right.)   Well the awards season has begun and Avatar is starting it’s winning streak with a best picture awards from the New York Film Critics Online Awards (No, the awards were not online.  It’s online reviewers.)   Yes, it’s just one, but someone has to be first.  Someone had to show the world that it’s ok to say that a Sci-Fi movie in 3D is the best picture.  Trust me, there will be more awards to come.

Remember that award I mentioned before?  (If not, then what the hell is wrong with you? I just said it. Right there! Come on, pay attention!)  Well I mention that more awards are coming because Avatar has been nominated by the New York Critics and the L.A. Critics for their own best picture award.    But then comes a little doozy from the Academy of Motion Picture Sciences themselves.  After a screening for Academy voters, the following was sent to several web sites from an apparent Academy insider.   “Avatar Wins!”   Yes, this comes from an anonymous insider, but he is not the only one to point out that the average Academy viewings get about 300 to 400 people, but Avatar has been full houses.

Avatar has a story that makes Dances With Wolves seem like an environmental children's show.  (It may be, I’ve never seen it.)  It’s not just a story about white guilt (see above) but about what we, humans of all colors and creeds, are doing to the environment.   At lease that’s what traditionally liberal Hollywood seems to take from it.  We human beings are raping our environment and we, the Academy, can make it all OK by taking one of the biggest environmental statements in years and give it the highest honour we can give.   Some day, not too far from now, some guy in Hollywood will cut down on his recycling because dammit, he got that award for Avatar.

The Lord of the Rings trilogy received a bucket load of Academy awards for the third movie, The Return of the King.  But everyone knows that the awards were for the entire trilogy, they just didn’t want to give the same trilogy the same awards three years in a row.   Avatar is a single movie.  Right now any talk of sequels are just that.  They have only this one chance to show the world that they are still hip, and that box office results sometimes matter.  One chance to not alienate (so to speak) the movie goers.   If Avatar actually gets the best picture award, then the voters can pat themselves on the back, say they are still with it and spend the next twenty years voting for the boring crap they usually do, and if anyone points out that it’s boring crap, they will point and go “but, but Avatar won.”

Is it possible that a better movie will win the top prize in all Movie-dom? (Movie World?  Movie Land?)   Yes.   Very.   No one is saying that Avatar is actually literally the best movie of the year.  Movies like The Hurt Locker and George Clooney takes a lot of planes to fire people have very, very good chances of beating out Avatar.   But Avatar is the one people are talking about.  Avatar is breaking all those box office records.  And even  the Academy can’t avoid that kind of money.   So if I was a betting man I’d bet that Avatar will be definitely nominated.  As for winning … yeah, why not, I’d put twenty bucks on that.     I wish I knew where to put that twenty bucks down.  Is there a guy?  You know, a guy with a hat who never has to write this stuff down because he’s got the greatest memory in the world.   Now THAT would be a good movie!  UPDATE   The good folks over at ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY have begun a running tally of best picture nominations for the big six (so far) awards leading up to the Oscar Nominations.  Avatar is in the middle of the pack with three nominations.  So it looks as if The Hurt Locker is (Right now) the one to beat, but I’m telling you, Avatar has a greater than expected chance.

Technorati Tags: James Cameron,Avatar,Oscars,Academy Awards

WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, January 4, 2010

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD I SHALL NOT FINISH HIM!!!!

VATICAN CITY – While walking down the aisle in St. Peter's Basilica, Pope Benedict XVI was knocked down by a woman who jumped the barriers..   The woman, who was dressed all in red, was then struck by the Popes’ staff and knocked back against the wall.  She then performed a flying leg kick, but was blocked and knocked to the ground where the Pope hit her with a quick barrage of his fists.   Suddenly, a voice from above called out “FINISH HIM!” and the reached into the woman's chest, ripped out her heart and held it aloft while the words “FATALITY” appeared above him.   As a bizarre coincidence, Midway Games has just announced the new game “Mortal Kombat Vatican.”

LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW … ETC.

A massive winter storm that hit the Canadian Maritimes this week, stunning the citizens that seemed to have forgotten that they live in Canada.   “This is remarkable,” Gordie McFinnigan said while trying to remember how to shovel his driveway.  “I know they have snow like this in Canada, but I’ve never seen it like this here in this country where I live.”   Meanwhile, in Halifax, two horses looked at each other in the woods.  I even have a picture of it, see.  It’s over there to the right, where I put all the pictures.  Yeah, I know I should probably try to put some pictures over there on the left, but it really throws off the balance of the page.  Anyway this isn’t about me, it’s about the horses … over there … on the right … Aren’t they pretty?

HARK THE HERALD ANGEL SINGS, SHUT THE HELL UP YOU STUPID BITCH!!

COLORADO - “Two and a Half Men” star Charlie Sheen was arrested on Christmas day (On Christmas Day), He was charged for domestic battery against his wife. (On Christmas Day in the morning.)   According to the police they received a 911 call on Christmas day (On Christmas day) and responded to a report that Sheen got into an argument with his wife and there was “physical contact.” (On Christmas day in the morning.)   Sheen has admitted that there was alcohol involved on Christmas day (on Christmas day) but fortunately no one had to be taken to the hospital. (On Christmas day in the morning.)   Meanwhile Sheen has since returned to work in California (In California) while his wife and two children remain in Colorado. (In Colorado at the ski hills. This is fun, you should try this at home.)

IT’S A WONDERFUL NIGHT FOR SOME HACKING

The web site for the singer/songwriter/ping pong player Van Morrison was hacked last week, when someone posted the news that Morrison fathered his forth child with a new partner.   Which begs the question, who the hell would hack Van Morrisons’ site?   In other news, R&B performer Chris Brown’s web site has remained un-hacked for some strange reason.

It’s that time of year again.  The beginning.  Which means everybody and their brother is releasing a “Top Ten 2009” list.  Well we here at CPFOG are no different, we are just a lot lazier.  So we proudly present:

TOP TEN ITEMS FROM RANDOM TOP TEN LISTS

Prop Comic Carrot Top   Assassins Creed 2   Bea Arthur     Clay Guida vs. Diego Sanchez   Lady Gaga: “Poker Face”   Mike Tyson   The First Family Get’s a Dog   Ratzilla   Hotel Carter   And the number one item from random top ten lists is:   The Class

Join us again this time next year when we may, or may not, do this again.  It all depends on what type of New Years marathon the Food Network has planned.

CPFOG The BLOG is: Gord Gardiner – Writer and guy who loves pictures of horses in the snow.  Wern’t they pretty? Jen Gardiner – Prrrrrrfrrrrrredder and thought up the “On Christmas day” joke, which allowed me to talk about domestic battery without directly making fun of it.  (But still, if it offended you in any way, it’s her fault.)

BUT I REALLY LIKED THAT BASEBALL MOVIE HE WAS IN, WHICH IS WHY I USED THE PICTURE.