RE: YOUR BRAINS August 27, 2009

Technorati Tags: Jonathan Coulton,Re: Your Brains,Zombies

TOP 5 BAD MUSIC VIDEOS for Tuesday, August the 25, 2009

MTV didn’t start it, but it made it important.  I am speaking of course of the idiotic VJ.  But the music video was important as well.  Who among us can’t read off the list of the best music video’s of all time.  “Thriller”, “Money for nothing”, “Rio” the list of the best of the MTV generation can go on and on, but what of the worst?   Now I don’t know what video was the first really bad video, but I do know that it takes something special to make a video so remarkably bad that people would rather poke their eyes out then watch.   Below we at CPFOG proudly present five of those eye gougingly bad videos for your fun and amusement.

To make a great video takes effort, to make a bad video takes no effort whatsoever apparently.          Filmed by her then fiancé, now husband, Douchey McDoucebag, this video from “Hills” blonde bimbo Heidi is what you get when you are too shy to make a sex video.   I can imagine filming now.   ”Hey Heidi, walk over there then turn and face me.  Good, now go over there and turn and face me.  Great.  Ok, now try this, get on those rocks and turn and face me.  Cut, that’s a wrap.”

Then on day two, they tried the great artistic statement of Heidi taking off her shirt and going over there … and turning.

Oh come on, you knew we were going here.  Probably the most famous of bad videos, this train of thought derailment just seems to jump from one stupid idea from another, almost as if they were making five different video’s for five different songs and then realised they ran out of money so put all their eggs in one basket.   The think that makes things worse is the song is not that bad.  If you didn’t know this was Hasselhoff singing you might actually enjoy it.

But there is something about seeing David Hasselhoff that makes one cringe.  Maybe it’s the hair.  Maybe it’s the smarmy smile.  Maybe it’s the mental picture of him drunk on the kitchen floor trying to eat a cheeseburger while his daughter video tapes the whole thing.   Now would be a good time to mention that everyone says that Hasselhoff is big in Germany, after this video that may not be true.  Even Germans have their limits.

The next time I hear some idiot complain about missing the 80’s, I’m going to show them this gem.   The story behind the video is a simple one of a film school student who was given five minutes behind the effects panel for the first time.  (It’s the only reason I can think of.)   Zlad, which from the moustache I can only assume is his porn star name, presents us with a ridiculous song, a ridiculous video and ridiculous hair.  But at least he got the silver lame outfit right, because we all know in the future we will all be wearing silver lame.

Let’s not be mean here.  Yes, Jan Terri has a unique look.  (Some would call it biker Miss Piggy) but many, many people in music videos are, let’s say, missing something in the looks department.   So let’s just focus on the video shall we?  And when we do this, two questions pop immediately to mind.   1:  What is with all the street signs?    2: Did the director not believe in second takes?    The fact is there is something remarkably charming in the badness of this video.

You can tell that Jan, the mullet man and the director are all trying to do their best.  Unfortunately their best just isn’t good enough.  Not by a very, very, very long shot.

And this, the worst video I could possibly give you, comes to us from our friends in Finland.  It is a prime example of how things are just “Good enough.”   The opening dance is slow and off beat.  Good enough.   Wait, that twirly dance thing in the middle is off center.  Good enough.   Hold on, we don’t have an equal amount of guys and girls.  Good enough.  No, no it isn’t.

And then there is Armi, who I am assuming is the tall, blonde drink of Aryan manhood.  His soft, dulcet singing voice is matched only by his bizarre hair.  It takes a big man to wear such feminine hair, and Armi is a big man.    By comparison Danni, who I don’t have much to comment on, what with Armi taking most of the lyrics.  I don’t know what happened to Armi & Danni, but I’m hoping there was an “accidental’ bear attack while crossing the street.  Maybe that’ll teach them.

Technorati Tags: Heidi Montag,Spencer Pratt,David Hasselhoff,Zlad,Jan Terri