TOP FIVE TUESDAY for Tuesday, March 23, 2010

TOP FIVE WAYS TO TURN SOMETHING NORMAL INTO A WORLDWIDE CONSPIRACY

The world is a big and sometimes scary place.  The reasons behind this are many, and one of those reasons may be that someone or something is controlling it all from behind the scenes.   At least that is what some people claim.  They believe in a grand, worldwide conspiracy, or even worse, conspiracies.  .  And to prove it to you they say certain things, key words or phrases that prove that something is up to no good.   So to explain this appropriately, I’ve decided to use the simple household toaster and prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, how to  prove there is a conspiracy behind it.

5: ADD THE WORD “BIG” IN FRONT OF IT

The phrase “The Pharmaceutical Industry” sounds all fine and dandy.  “Big Pharma” sounds all mean and world take over-ish.   “The Oil industry” sounds almost mom and pop like.  “Big Oil” is ominous and evil.   You see, add the word “big” before anything and it sounds like it’s watching you while you sleep and taking over the world.   Let’s try it:   “The Toaster Making Industry.”    Or   “Big Toaster!”   You see how that works?  I may never eat toast again!

4: ATTACH A WEIRD RELIGION TO IT

Everyone knows that a new religion that we don’t understand is up to something, something much worse than the old religion we don’t understand.   It goes like this:     “Did you know that the fact a toaster uses electricity means the makers of the toaster believe in a religion that worships the god Thor?  It’s true.  And we all know anyone who worships Thor in this day and age is up to no good!”   I’m scared already.

3: ASSIGN A POLITICAL DOGMA TO IT

If there is one thing right/left wingers hate, it’s encouraging left/right wingers.  And so to make a more perfect conspiracy, throw some politics in for fun.     “Did you know that Glen Beck eats toast?  Yeah, so does Bill O’Riely and George W. Bush.  In fact a lot of right wingers eat toast regularly.  That obviously means that toast is a far right conspiracy.  I mean Hillary Clinton eats Bagels, so what does that tell you? “

2: LIST CELEBRITIES WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE ATTACHED TO IT

Celebrities are weird.  They do weird things.  Attach your conspiracy to them and suddenly toast becomes weird.     “Did you know that Tom Cruise uses a toaster?  And so did Elvis!  And we all know how well Elvis turned out! “

1: JUST KEEP REPEATING IT AND SOMEONE WILL BELIEVE YOU (EVENTUALLY)

There is nothing like wearing a person down.  Jennie McCartney believes vaccines cause autism.  She has no proof, but she just keeps repeating it and people believe her.  So why not follow her lead.   “Toasters are taking over the world!  Toasters are out to get us!  Whoever controls the toast controls the world!”  Repeat over and over until someone believes you, then ask them for money.