WHAT IF MEGAN FOX STARRED IN EVERYTHING for Thursday, January 21, 2010

WHAT IF: MEGAN FOX STARRED IN EVERYTHING?

Sure she’s pretty, but some say she is a terrible actor … actress … whatever.   One thing is for sure, Megan Fox is part of popular culture in our universe.  But what about other universes?  We at CPFOG the Blog World Headquarters turned on our special Dimensional Universal See Through Thingy (D.U.S.T.T.) and took a peek.  We discovered a world where Megan Fox was not only an actress, but she was the ONLY lead actress.

Our story begins several thousand years B.C.  Egyptian Pharaoh Narmer decided he wished to be entertained by a comely beauty.  His handlers didn’t have far to go, for Megan Fox was just brought in as a slave.  Her vast beauty more than made up for her limited range and she entertained the Pharaoh with stories and songs. Legend has it that one of her songs went like this (After Translation.) In the land of milk and honey Pharaoh,  Don’t you know that I love you. In the land of milk and honey Pharaoh, Don’t you know that I’ll always be true.

Let us move forward a few thousand years to 1942.  The story of a former gun runner who settled down to become a bar owner in the exotic local of Casablanca needed a special kind of woman to star as Ilsa opposite Humphrey Bogart’s Rick.   Although the part almost went to wanna be actress Ingrid Bergman (who later went on to work at the studio commissary), no one could possibly capture the type of layered performance needed like Megan Fox.   The movie has since become a classic and Megan Fox won yet another Academy Award against Megan Fox in The Song of Bernadette, Megan Fox in The More the Merrier and Megan Fox in Sahara.

Director Sergio Leone wasn’t planning on making one of his titular characters in The Good, The Bad and the Ugly (1966) a woman, but since Megan Fox had been in his two previous “Man With No Name” spaghetti westerns, and also the four movies he directed before them, he thought it was time for her to stretch her acting chops.   Of course the viewing public ate up her performance and this started a trend of Megan Fox appearing in roles not normally meant for women, such as her Academy Award performance as blind piano player Ray Charles in the Biography Ray and as Harry the sasquatch in Harry and the Henderson's. (for which she won an Academy Award.)

In the movie Toys (1992), Megan Fox stretched her acting wings once again and played the role of toy factory owner Leslie Zevo half of the time.  The other half he was played by comic actor Robin Williams.   Many Hollywood insiders thought that two people playing the same character in alternating takes would be too confusing to the audiences, and the movie did not perform as well as expected.  Still, Megan Fox was rewarded with an Best Actress Academy Award, which was thereafter named the Megan Fox Award.   As an interesting side note, the tabloids were abuzz with rumours that Fox was having a torrid affair with Williams, who was married.  This was nothing new as it was always assumed that Fox was sleeping with her male lead, what was different was when Williams made an appearance on the Tonight Show with Megan Fox and admitted she had turned him down.   Williams career never recovered.

It was not rare for Megan Fox to star in an adaption of a Stephen King work, what was strange for Megan Fox to appear topless throughout the entire movie.   Some say this is why The Lawnmower Man (1992) broke all box office records, became the highest grossing movie of all time, (only to be topped years later by the Megan Fox movie Megan Fox Appears Nude on a Trampoline: The Movie.) and stayed in some theatres for two and a half years.   This started a trend of Megan Fox appearing in some form of undress in each movie, and won mathematician Marcus du Sautoy the Nobel Prize in Mathematics for his theory that showed the greatest amount of Megan Fox nudity to box office receipt ratio.  (Hint, it’s complete nudity.)

Let’s not say Megan Fox doesn’t have a charitable side.  In 2003 Fox starred in the reality TV show Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, a spin off of her beauty makeover show Extreme Makeover.   There was a slight problem with the concept, though.  Since Fox had no construction ability, the building of the homes was left to a team of experienced builders, led by Ty Pennington (who was rumoured to be having an affair with Fox).   The producers decided then that Megan Fox should not only host the show, but periodically appear in various states of undress in order to raise the ratings.   This won mathematician Marcus du Sautoy (who was rumoured to be having an affair with Fox) the Nobel Prize in Mathematics for his theory that showed the greatest amount of Megan Fox nudity to ratings ratio.  (Hint, it’s complete nudity.)

Animation has always been a problem for Megan Fox.  Sure, she had voiced such classic characters as Snow White (1937), Winnie the Pooh and the entire cast of The Lion King (1994) (for which she won the Megan Fox award for a record time), no one had thought to put Megan Fox the person into a movie until the geniuses at Pixar released the teaser trailer for Toy Story 3 (2010).   As you cans see, the animators used motion caption technology to put Megan Fox into the story, which finds Buzz and Woody fighting over a new toy, Megan Fox.   As a result of this brilliant marketing Toy Story 3 tickets have been sold out  for the last two years and it is rumoured that Megan Fox may win the Megan Fox award another, record winning time.

So what is the future for Megan Fox?  One can only assume there will be a few roles, a few more Megan Fox awards and a few torrid affairs.  But one thing is for sure, Megan Fox will go down in history as our best, and only, lead actress of this or any generation.

Written by: Gord Gardiner   Photos by: T. Gregory Argall

TOP FIVE "OTHER GUY'S" AND WHERE THEY ARE NOW for Tuesday, January 19, 2010

#5: THE OTHER GIRL FROM THE TV SHOW SQUARE PEGS

WHO?: AMY LINKER   CLAIM TO FAME:  Co-star of the show Square Pegs, opposite future Preakness winner and Sex in the City star Sarah Jessica Parker.    SHORT BIO: Born in 1966 in Brooklyn, NY.  I know it’s not the best Bio ever, but it’s all I could find.  Her childhood is a mystery, so I’m going to say she was raised by a Sasquatch and went to school on Mars.   FAME GAME:  Her first IMDB credit is something called A Time For Miracles in 1980.  Five years later she quit acting … to found an underwater colony .. I guess … maybe.  Oh yeah, she did a voice on the Mr. T cartoon show, which would make anyone quit acting.   WHAT HAPPENED?:  She went to school for a bit, graduating from Wellesley College in 1989 with a degree in French Studies.  Her post acting life is hard to find as well so let’s say she went around the world in 80 Days and ended up as an internet researcher in Santa Monica, CA. (That part is real).   WHERE IS SHE NOW?: Living the high life as a substitute teacher in L.A. and as a part time time traveller … I guess.  One thing we do know is that she once won a TV Land award for best braces, so she’s got that going for her.

#4: THE OTHER GUY FROM THE MOVIE WEIRD SCIENCE

WHO?   Ilan Mitchell-Smith   CLAIM TO FAME: The movie Weird Science (1985), which had a stellar cast (for the time).  Written and directed by John Hughes, the cast included Anthony Michael Hall, Robert Downey Jr, Kelly LeBrock and Bill Paxton.      FAME GAME: What?  You don’t know who Ilan Mitchell-Smith is?  Not that I blame you.  Weird Science was his biggest credit in a career that lasted less than ten years and included guest starring roles in The Equalizer and Superboy.   SHORT BIO: Born in New York, Mitchell-Smith started out as a young dancer until legendary director Sidney Lumet discovered him and cast him as young Timothy Hutton in the film Daniel (1983).  Three credits later he co-starred in Weird Science and six credits later his career was over.   WHAT HAPPENED?:  He quit, plain and simple.  He discovered another passion and followed it.  That passion just happened to be Medieval Studies, which he has a degree in.    WHERE IS HE NOW?: Currently he is a teacher of history at Texas A&M and does not like having his picture taken, in case his student recognise him as “Wyatt” from Weird Science.

#3: THE OTHER GUY FROM THE BAND WHAM!

WHO?:  Andrew Ridgeley.   CLAIM TO FAME: Doing the Jitterbug opposite George Michael.  (That’s sounds worse than it is.)   SHORT BIO:  Ridgeley met George Michael when Michael enrolled in Bushey Heath Primary School (No word if they met in a public washroom).  Ironically it was Ridgeley who took Michael under his wing.  The two were members of various bands before they formed Wham! and recorded a demo in Ridgeley’s living room, which they peddled to various record companies before Interscope Records signed them.   FAME GAME:  Wham!’s first album was released in 1982.  In 1984 their most famous song, Wake me up Before You Go Go! was released.  By 1986 Wham! was over.   WHAT HAPPENED?:  George Michael wanted to make more mature records and, apparently, have more sex in public washrooms.   WHERE IS HE NOW?  After Wham!, Ridgeley moved to Monaco and took up Formula Three Racing, and apparently he was pretty bad at it.  So he moved to L.A. to try and start an acting/solo music career, but since Don Johnson had that cornered he moved back to England.   In 1990 he was able to release a solo album, Son of Albert, a guitar and percussion heavy release.  Since then he has stayed in the background, writing music under various pen names. Also, he lost his hair.  Where is the dignity in that?

#2:THE OTHER GUY FROM THE TV SHOW BOSOM BUDDIES

WHO?: Peter Scolari.   CLAIM TO FAME: Wearing woman’s clothes opposite some guy named Tom Hanks for two seasons on Bosom Buddies.  He later went on to play wanna be TV exec Michael Harris on Newhart.   SHORT BIO:  Born in 1955, Scolari became an accomplished juggler at a young age and discovered acting at the age of 16 while performing in a high-school production of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.    FAME GAME: He has appeared on stage and on both the big and little screens.  His first TV credit was on some show named Take Off in 1978, and in 1980 he and Tom Hanks put on the dresses for Bosom Buddies.   WHAT HAPPENED?:  Nothing.  While Hanks went to make such classic movies as Bachelor Party, The Man With One Red Shoe and Dragnet, Scolari has mostly remained busy on stage, TV and doing voice-over work.  I mentioned he played Michael Harris on Newhart, a role he is still associated with even today.  His IMDB page lists 84 credits, not bad no matter how you look at it.  Add to that all of the theatre work he does and Peter Scolari is one busy guy.   Oh yeah, that other guy, Tom Hanks, he and Scolari are still very good friends. (So he’s got that going for him.)

#1: THE OTHER KID FROM THE TV SHOW WONDER YEARS

Who?: Josh Saviano   CLAIM TO FAME: As Paul, best friend to Kevin Arnold on the show The Wonder Years.   SHORT BIO: Born in New York, raised in New Jersey, the person who may or may not grow up to become Marilyn Manson did his first commercial for Aim Toothpaste.  Next came a role in the movie The Wrong Guys in 1988, the same year he took the role of Paul Pfeiffer, the nerdy best friend to Fred Savages character Kevin Arnold on The Wonder years.   FAME GAME:  The Wonder Years lasted until 1993.  He has no more credits to his name.   WHAT HAPPENED:  He went to some school called Yale University where he majored in Political Science.    WHERE IS HE NOW?: In 1998 he became a paralegal for a New York City law firm.  He liked it so much in 2000 he went back to school and came out a lawyer.  He is currently an associate with Morrison Cohen LLP.    YOU’RE MY INSPIRATION:  It’s hard to deny, but many people claim that the character of Milhouse on The Simpsons is inspired by Josh’s performance of Paul.    URBAN LEGEND:  For some strange reason some people think that Josh grew up to be shock rocker Marilyn Manson.  This, of course, is not true.  Fred Savage became Manson.  (Think about it.  It explains a lot.)

Written by: Gord Gardiner – Who once played the robot on Small Wonder.

BuzzNet Tags: The Simpsons,The Wonder years,Bosom Buddies,Square Pegs,Weird Science,Wham!,Marilyn Manson,Milhouse,Tom Hanks,Peter Scolari,George Michael,Andrew Ridgeley,Sarah Jessica Parker,Sex in the City

WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, January 18, 2010

A VERY SPECIAL “I HAD A MUFFIN“ ISSUE

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

BEIJING - The Chinese government continued to ease a six-month-old communications blackout on the northwest region of Xinjiang on Sunday by restoring some text messaging services.   Within ten minutes of the ban lifting half the inhabitants had sent naked pictures of themselves, while the other half downloaded that new Silly Frog ring tone (Have you guy’s head it?  It’s just so funny!).

I HAD A DREAM, A SONG TO SING

For our American friends, Today is Martin Luther King jr day, a day in which they celebrate the life of the famed Civil Rights leader by hammering stuff to doors … I think.   Of course Martin Luther King jr is most prominently known for his famous “I had a dream” speech.  He is less well known for his “I had a daydream” speech, his “I kinda dozed off for a moment” speech and his “Have you guy’s tried this McDLT.  This thing is freakin’ amazing” speech.   Please don’t hurt me.

AND SO IT GOES

JOS, Nigeria – Clashes erupted between Christians and Muslims in Nigeria's capitol city of Jos, leaving several dead.   This is not a repeat from 1095, 1101, 1107, 1187, 1202, 1209, 1212, 1217, 1228, 1248, 1270 or 1271.   This IS a repeat from 1147 though.

THERE’S NO NAN LIKE CONAN

HOLLYWOOD – The soap opera that is the Conan O’Brien situation is almost over as the Tonight Show host has come to an agreement with NBC to depart the show, giving it back to Jay “Douche Bag” Leno.    As part of the separation deal, Conan O’Brien has to part with some of his most loved characters and sketches as they are considered intellectual property of NBC.  So wherever Conan ends up, he will go without popular sketches such as In “The Year 3000” and “Desk Driving” and part ways with popular characters “Pimp Bot” and “The Masturbating Bear.”   In unrelated news, NBC has announced that Jay Leno’s replacement at 10pm will be The Masturbating Bear Show.  A nightly comedy/ talk show which will premier after the Olympics.

THIS JUST IN … STOP THE PRESSES … THIS JUST IN

HOLLYWOOD – Talk show host Jay Leno has announced that he wishes to return to the 10pm time slot, knocking out the newly announced The Masturbating Bear show.     In his absence, NBC has announced that the new host of the Tonight Show will be “whoever is hanging out at the time.”  We at CPFOG wish him/her/it the best.

CPFOG the Blog is: Written by - Gord Gardiner – I had an itch! Poofgled by – Jen Gardiner – I had a brand new pair of roller skates, you had a brand new key!

BuzzNet Tags: Martin Luther King jr,Jay Leno,Conan O'Brian,China,Pimp Bot,Masturbating Bear,NBC