A SPECIAL MONDAY HUMP DAY REPORT for Monday, March 1 , 2010

THE OLYMPICS WERE ON! THE OLYMPICS WERE ON! HEY EVERYBODY THE OLYMPICS WERE ON!

Did I mention the Olympics were on?   Have you heard the Olympics were on?   In case you hadn’t noticed the Olympics were ON!   And they were SOOOOO ON, let me tell you.   Which can only mean…   IT’S TIME TO HAVE FUN WITH HEADLINES!!!!!!   Nah… just kidding. Did the Headlines last time.   So anyway, I’ll bet you’ve all been absolutely DYING to know what yer ol’ buddy Hornbeck thought about the opening ceremonies.   Of course you have.   I know you. You’ve been lying awake at night, sweat-soaked, feverish with need, shivering in anticipation and muttering to yourself over and over:   “My GOD. How can I LIVE? How can I last another day without knowing what Hornbeck the All-Seeing knows?”   “…Without basking in the glow of his All-Knowing and Wise, Comforting and Illuminating Words of Truth?”   “…Without---“ OKAY! O-KAY! Relax already. I’ll tell you. Don’t beg.   So… WHAT’S HORNBECK’S TAKE ON THE OPENING CEREMONIES?   Meh.   Or maybe… FANTASTIC!   Really depends which yardstick against which you’d like to measure its success.   Dispelling Canadian stereotypes? Heck no. We had Mounties in full ceremonial dress, and Indians (a.k.a. First Nations) and polar bears.   We had Anne Murray and Wayne Gretzky.   We had Leonard Cohen sung by K.D. Lang and Bryan Adams and the ubiquitous sleeping pill of Donald Sutherland’s voice.   We had a Peter Pan take on W. O. Mitchell and whales that swam through the stage.   No… I don’t think any of our Great White North stereotypes were dispelled at all in spite of the lack of snow.   But to those can’t do… OR teach… or string together a coherent or relevant line of reasoning… (in other words: our home grown “media”)…   …Apparently the next day was time to engage in the national pass-time: Pissing and Moaning.   Did it start off slower than it might have thanks to all the First Nations “welcome” chants? Sure.   But to all those who kept whining about “too many Indians” and “what’s up with all the Indians?”… I’d like to point out a couple things.   Who’s country do you think you’re living in?   Oh sure, the First Nations were here first but that’s not what I’m talking about.   Nor am I talking about the fact that they’re not Indians. Gandhi was an Indian. Beef Vindaloo is Indian.   I’m talking about the only official citizenry this country has… The Entitled.   We live in a nation of entitlements. Almost everyone thinks their entitled to something.   Whatever legitimacy their claims my have, the First Nations terrorists in Caledonia felt entitled to hold a community hostage and destroy public property without reprisal from police.   In B.C. loggers feel entitled to log anything, anytime, anywhere.   Hell, we live in a country dumb enough to allow one of its provinces to dictate the national agenda for all the others provinces and territories and to feel entitled to refer to itself as a “nation”.   And apparently, on Day 1 of the 2010 Olympic Games, some real dickheads with tunnel vision felt entitled to disrupt the torch run.   Whatever their agenda, these A-holes felt SO passionately about it that apparently that entitled them to deprive many of those who had lined up for hours (and anticipated for months) the right to enjoy a precious momentary sense of “communion with their fellow human beings”. (Or, if you’re a cynic, “an act of wilful self-delusion”.)    ---Oh yeah, and some of those who missed out on seeing the torch were Canadian War Vets! You know, the people without whom all these little punks would have been speaking German!---   Either way these hysterical apple cart up setters ---no wait, that’s not accurate--- These… poseur, wannabe activist douche bags should be beaten and publicly tarred and feathered.   And if we Canucks are too pussified and compromised to do what needs done, just round them up and drop them off to the right people in Vancouver’s very prominent Chinatown.   Y’know, the Chinatown with a direct pipeline to the actual China.   I know what you’re thinking… G. D. …None of this is particularly funny.   You’re right. It’s not funny. There’s nothing funny at all about these douche bags.   But enough about the douche bags.   How did Canada do with the Opening Ceremonies?   We actual grown-up Canucks should be proud.   It was a stellar, thoughtful and artistically conceived and presented show.   Canada did damned well.…considering the number of self-important and self-obsessed, greedy, short-sighted, grandstanding DOUCHE BAGS we tolerate amongst us!   (Okay… Guess I wasn’t really over the douche bags yet.) G.D. Hornbeck