PART TIME EXPERTS For Friday, January 15, 2010

PART TIME EXPERTS

I recently came across some job postings for a certain Major Retail Clothing Chain. They blew my freaking mind. The job descriptions were just… so… full of crap.   Here’s an example. (For obvious, reasons the store name has been removed, but the job title and description is otherwise presented verbatim.)   PART TIME BRAND LOGISTICS EXPERT   The Brand Experience Logistics Expert supervises merchandise handling process. They provide on-the-job training for and oversee the daily activities of all Brand Experience Associates. They maintain an organized stockroom. The Brand Experience Logistics Expert oversees replenishment process and provides the leadership team with feedback regarding staff performance. The Brand Experience Logistics Expert supports the leadership team in fostering a positive work environment by role modeling The Company’s Purpose, Values and Behaviours in all actions and interactions.   Okay, first question… What the hell is a part time expert?   The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines expert as “having, involving, or displaying special skill or knowledge derived from training or experience.”   So you go to all the trouble and effort to become an expert and the best it gets you is a part time job? In a trendy clothing store? That’s a bit of a vocational punch in the berries, isn’t it?   The Part Time Brand Logistics Expert is obviously just a Stock Person with a meaningless title in place of a living wage. But the most interesting part of this job description is the last sentence, which states that the part time stock person “supports the leadership team in fostering a positive work environment by role modeling The Company’s Purpose, Values and Behaviours in all actions and interactions.”   What the hell does that mean? It’s a clumsily verbose yet painfully inelegant way of saying, “Do as you’re told and everyone will be happy.”   That’s it. Do as we say. Yet, that simple edict makes up about a third of the total job description. For an expert.   It’s in this job description, as well…   PART TIME CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE EXPERT   The Customer Experience Expert generates sales through customer and employee engagement. They work as a member of the Customer Experience team to lead a positive customer and employee experience. They assist in driving operational activities that generate sales. The Customer Experience Expert supports the leadership team in fostering a positive work environment by role modeling The Company’s Purpose, Values and Behaviours in all actions and interactions.   For the part time, let’s see, Sales Person, the sentence makes up closer to half of the job requirements. The other half is “Sell stuff.”   If you can sell ugly sweaters and loosely tight khakis, you’re halfway to being an expert.   Here’s another one…   PART TIME BRAND EXPERIENCE VISUAL/MERCHANDISE EXPERT   The Brand Experience Visual/Merchandise Expert oversees the flawless execution and maintenance of all windows and in-store visual displays. This expert supports the execution of the merchandise handling and replenishment processes and all aspects of visual presentation within the store. This expert maintains an organized stockroom. They work closely with store leadership to ensure Brand consistency while maintaining a positive customer experience. They train others in visual presentation and merchandise handling. The Brand Experience Visual/Merchandise Expert supports the leadership team in fostering a positive work environment by role modeling The Company’s Purpose, Values and Behaviours in all actions and interactions.   A seven-word job title with a 99-word description, and all it means is basically “Guy who folds the sweaters.”   PART TIME SWEATER FOLDER   Duties include… Fold sweaters. Don’t lose stuff. Do as we say.   It saddens me that the language is being sodomized for such crass and self-serving piffle.   “Customer Experience Expert?” As a customer, I don’t want to “share and experience” with the sales person. I want to by some pants that fit and get out of there.   Is there an expert for that?   Is there a “Selling-Me-Pants-That-Fit-And-Letting-Leave Expert?”   No, I didn’t think so.

WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, January 11, 2010

A VERY SPECIAL “THE CHIN SUCKS” ISSUE!

MAMA OOOOOOOOOOOooooOOOoooO

The science world celebrated this week as the 400th anniversary of Galileo first  looking through his home made telescope.    For those of you not familiar, Galileo “Figaro” Galilei, a poor boy from a poor family, took a home made telescope a and pointed it into the sky. From this one act he saw a silhouette of a man, asked someone if they would do the fandango, and cried out for Beelzebub if the devil was put aside for him   At least that’s how I remember it.  I may have been confused.

MEANWHILE, OVER AT 10PM

HOLLYWOOD – The world of BANAL chatting was shaken up when it was announced that the 10 pm weeknight experiment that was the Lay Leno Show was a failure, and that Leno is being moved to his old time at 11:30pm, bumping the Tonight Show with Conan O’Brian.    Speaking on his show about the move, Leno said “Did you hear about this, this is strange” then mumbled something then over emphasised the last line before turning to his bandleader and discussing the punch line of the joke.   By the way, I had written a funnier joke for this, but I figured since we were talking about Jay Leno I could half ass it.

ONE BRA, TWO BRA, RED BRA, BLUE BRA

A worldwide phenomenon happened this week when, in an effort to raise awareness for breast cancer, women were encouraged to update their Facebook status with the color of their bra.   The event was so successful that awareness of breast cancer went up, raising a total of $0.00 for breast cancer research.  Allowing researchers to do absolutely nothing, and giving sufferers absolutely no comfort.   On the other hand, men worldwide started imagining YOU without your bra.  So enjoy that class reunion next weekend.

CPFOG the Blog is. Gord Gardiner – Writer Jen Gardiner - Prufrodder

TO MAKE THINGS WORSE, I AM NOW PICTURING YOU IN YOUR BRA.  YES I MEAN YOU SIR.