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VISION IS OPTIONAL, APPARENTLY |
| Headlights are way out of control. Seriously. People don’t understand how to use headlights anymore. If they’re driving and it gets dark outside or rains or gets a little bit overcast or if the sun goes behind a cloud for a few seconds, people think that they are legally obligated to flip on their high beams. For safety. Because the highway will be so much safer if the guy in front of you is suddenly blinded.  And if it’s not the high beam morons, it the stupid road weasels with their after-market fifty billion candle-watt halogen headlights. I mean, life is stressful enough, right? But I try to drive safely. I’m willing to make the effort to try not to actually kill any of the utter meat sacks that I have to share the road with. And I glance in my rear view mirror, as a safe driver should, and boom, I think I’m having a stroke. There’s this intense pain behind my eyes and I can smell something burning. Turns out it’s the smoke wafting up from my burning retinas because Needle Nuts McGee back there thinks that, while driving on the highway, I might have a sudden desire to cast shadow puppets on the freaking moon and he’s just trying to be helpful. So, my vision slowly returns, just in time to see some moron on my right, who’s doing a steady ten klicks slower than everyone else, decide that he urgently needs to be in the express lanes. He veers across three lanes of traffic, which is moving faster than him, remember, so that he can get on the transfer ramp about fifty metres after the solid white, do-not-cross “V” that divided the lanes. Nearly kills forty-seven people to get over there. They just call them express lanes, buddy! It doesn’t actually mean anything! And you’re going slower than everyone else on the whole freaking planet, anyway, so you’re obviously not in a hurry.  You’re just stupid.I spend a lot of time driving. I’ve seen all sorts of stupid drivers, bad drivers, nervous drivers and life-long pedestrians who have no business getting behind the wheel of a car in the first place. I’ve noticed a few interesting patterns with different types of drivers. It helps me decide which cars to not be behind or to avoid completely. One thing I’ve noticed, and you’re more than welcome to disagree with me on this, it’s just my opinion - which happens to be right - but I’ve found that, on average, people with religious bumper stickers, people who firmly believe that travelling at ninety to a hundred kilometres an hour in a two ton steel killing machine is the appropriate time to share their views on faith with total strangers who are also travelling at a hundred kilometres an hour in their own two ton killing machines, these people, on average, are really bad drivers. As near as I can tell, they seem to feel that their total faith in God gives them an excuse not to actually accept responsibility for anything that happens. “It’s God’s will.” “God will get me safely to my destination.” “God is my co-pilot.” Well, for Christ’s sake, would one of you grab the freaking wheel? |
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Friday, January 29, 2010
VISION IS OPTIONAL for Friday, January 29, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
HAPPY 2010, YEAH RIGHT! for Wednesday, January 27, 2010
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HAPPY 2010 …YEAH RIGHT! |
| Hello Children. It’s been awhile. Did you miss your Uncle Hornbeck? Of course you didn’t. Nobody misses anybody anymore. Now that we can phone, fax, email, tweet (twit, twat, twoot… whatever), or text anyone anywhere 24/7 no one needs to miss anyone anymore. They don’t even have to miss people they should be missing. People they haven’t seen in weeks, months years because they felt “in touch” all along. But that’s okay. I appreciate the sentiment that you never had but are hearing about because you’ve stumbled into this little corner  where the dust-bunnies of irritation gather.And good news… this’ll be one of my more succinct tirades. It is, however, on a familiar theme… the slovenly use of language which is “dumbifying” each generation to be “more stupider” than the previous. If this keeps up the children being spawned today won’t be able to name what a “shoelace” is, let alone tie one until they’re in their 40’s… if EVER! What do I mean? Well, it’s like this… There’s been a commercial running round these parts (Toronto, Canada for those of you hopelessly lost on the interweb) for Teflon windshield wiper blades. (I won’t name the company because I’ve never heard their name over the grinding of my own teeth at the end of the ad.) A woman is talking about how her favourite channel is the Weather Channel. She watches it all the time.  The visuals depict her watching TV at all hours of the day/night, devouring popcorn, presumably transfixed by this Weather Channel of which she speaks.She then tells how she had to drive her son somewhere, even though she knew it was winter and her windshield wiper blades needed replacing. But… she felt confident driving because after all “the Weather Channel said there was only a 5% chance of snow.” And then she says… (Brace yourselves O’ Ye Brethren of Blood-Pressure Induced Fits of Murderous Rage) She says… “Of course, they were wrong.” Did you hear that!?! “THEY were WRONG”!! REALLY. REALLY? Were they? Or is she just the sort of imbecile who is being allowed to decimate the human race with her contributions of BOTH sides of the nature/nurture debate? You see, fictitious advertising construct, “THEY” weren’t “WRONG”. You are simply a retard. A 5% chance of snow is a prediction ---based on highly variable factors--- estimates that the likelihood that there WILL be snow is, at the time of prediction 5%. So NO, fictitious construct. “THEY” weren’t “WRONG”.  They predicted a 5% probability and you ended up landing within that probability outcome. If I predict that it isn’t likely to snow tomorrow, and then it does… that doesn’t make me WRONG! You can’t be RIGHT or WRONG, which are absolute values, about a conditional statement. FULL STOP. Next time, fictitious construct, advertising company and corporate client, why don’t you PAY ATTENTION to the copy written by whatever twenty-something moron? You might just prevent the premature demise of the human race. Won’t somebody think of the children? |
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Monday, January 25, 2010
WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, January 25, 2010
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A VERY SPECIAL “IHUMOR“ ISSUE | |
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CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? | |
WASHINGTON – In what some call “Digital history”, President Barak “Husain- what?” Obama became the first commander-in-chief to “tweet” when he posted his first message to the social networking site Twitter. On January 19 Obama tweeted the message “Is this how you do this? Am I doing it right? Wussap!” Two minutes later he added his second message “OMG the Jonas Brothers rule!!! lol” | |
DICTIONARY BLUES | |
OTTAWA - Thousands of Canadians took to the streets this weekend, opposed to  Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s prorogation of Parliament. The protests were peaceful until someone asked what “prorogation” meant and everyone just freaked out. Meanwhile the leaders of the opposition, Michael Ignatieff (Liberal) and Jack Layton (NDP) acted as if they could do something about it, which I think is just adorable. Who’s a good leader of the opposition? You’re a good leader of the opposition? | |
MEANWHILE BACK AT THE RANCH | |
| SOME COTTAGE SOMEWHERE – Meanwhile Prime Minister Stephen Harper said that the rebuilding of earthquake ravaged Haiti would take at least a decade and that “Canada must commit to Haiti in the long term … sometime … later … not right now. You know it’s not like they aren’t going to still need help in a few weeks.” He then poured himself another mai-tai. It’s good to be the Prime Minister | |
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NOT LIKE I HAVE A CHANCE | |
HOLLYWOOD – News out of Hollywood says that movie power couple Brad Pitt and  Angelina Jolie may or may not have broken up. According to many outlets, the couple have or have not come to an agreement over a separation and that Jolie will or will not retain full time possession over the couples many children. The potential separation rumours did or did not begin when a tabloid magazine announced that Jolie possibly, but possibly not had an affair with a language coach on the set of her new movie, and that the golden couple have or have not seen divorce lawyers in order to split their fortune, which is or is not rumoured to be in the $350 million range. Man, I’m getting tired just trying to keep up. | |
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THIS JUST IN … STOP THE PRESSES … THIS JUST IN | |
| HOLLYWOOD – It has been confirmed that Angelina Jolie is indeed seeing someone, who has replaced Brad Pitt in her life. So congratulations to new power couple Angeline Jolie and Jay Leno. Man, is there anything he won’t break up? | |
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IDon’t Know | |
Computer and cool gizmo maker Apple is going to hold a news conference on  Wednesday to announce a new technology they have created. While there is no official word as to what they might be announcing, most Apple watchers seem to agree that the item will be the long awaited “IReality.” “IReality” is rumoured to be an application that is much like real life, but cooler, with a snazzy case and the ability to download such apps as “IFood”, “IGirlfriend” and the much anticipated “ISexual Encounter.” Critics, though, say that this new “IReality” is nothing more than regular reality in an new case with a nice pair of headphones, but Apple fans still wait with anticipation for what will, no doubt, make Steve jobs a lot richer. | |
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| CPFOG the Blog is: Gord Gardiner – IWriter Jen Gardiner - IProofreader | |
IT MEANS TO DELAY. WHY THEY CAN’T JUST SAY DELAY IS BEYOND ME |
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