PRINCESS PEACH: WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER for Thursday, September 24, 2009 (Updated)

Imagine you are in a relationship.  Imagine the person you are dating constantly needs your attention.  Imagine this person constantly needs your attention because she is constantly getting kidnapped by an overgrown turtle.   Congratulations, you have just imagined the life of Mario, the video game character, and his relationship with Princess Peach.   Introduced in the game Super Mario Brothers where she was kidnapped by Bowser (No, not the guy from Sha-Na-Na) the Princess has, over the years, constantly needed rescuing over and over and over again.   And you thought your girlfriend was being needy when she wanted to cuddle.     Mario is a plumber.  We all know this.  He’s a little paunchy, got a big nose and an ugly ass moustache.  Plus his brother, Luigi, is a little slow on the uptake.  Put this together and it seems that Mario is a lucky, lucky man to have caught the eye of a cutie like Princess Peach, but the Princess is what we call “High maintenance.”   Not the regular type of high maintenance of course.  The big problem here is not that she spends too much time on her makeup… although she probably does (the bitch), the problem is that she is constantly getting kidnapped … by the same guy/turtle/thingy over and over and over again.   And who gets sent in to rescue her?  Mario, that’s who.  Not the kings men.  Not an army of knights.  One poor little plumber.   I can imagine the conversation right now.   KING: Mario, the princess has been kidnapped again.   MARIO: Again?   KING: I need you to go and rescue her.   MARIO: Again?   KING: Now the journey will be hard and filled with many dangers.   MARIO: Don’t you have an army?   KING: And there is a chance you may not make it back.   MARIO: Seriously, you have a bunch of knights kicking around, why not send them?   KING: Oh no, I need them.   MARIO: To do what?   KING: Well someone has to protect the kingdom in this time of need.   MARIO: Really?  Protect the kingdom?   KING:  Yes, why?   MARIO: Well it just seems like if you have knights to protect the kingdom then you might spare a couple to look after the Princess now and then.   KING: Really?   MARIO: Yes really.   KING: You know, I’ve never thought of that.   And it’s not like Princess Peach can’t take care of herself.  She twice starred in her own game, and in one (Super Princess Peach) she rescued Mario.  Plus she has held her own in the free for all Super Smash Brothers series of games.  So basically, she can kick ass when she wants to, but mostly waits around for Mario to save her scrawny ass.    And (this is important so pay attention) she can fly.  That’s right, while Mario has to suffer a concussion to get a costume that’ll let him float a bit, the Princess can actually, naturally fly.  And considering that Bowser considers imprisonment to be “put her over there somewhere” the Princess should be able to get her own ass out of trouble.   Oh sure, the Princess will probably say something like Mario constantly needs to feel useful, but I believe the answer is simpler than that.  Princess Peach is obviously having an affair with Bowser, and poor Mario is so whipped that he just keeps going after her, sometimes dragging his challenged brother Luigi along for the ride.    And what does long suffering Mario get as a reward?  According to THIS article she “usually bakes him a cake or kiss him upon her rescue.”  So she’s a tease too? I’ll tell you this, if one day a bunch of half human/half turtle children suddenly appear, Mario better man up, head over to Hyrule and show Princess Zelda a thing or two. (Since Link is obviously gay.)   Let’s face it, as far as girlfriends go, Princess peach is the worst.  A lazy, two timing, tease girlfriend of a whipped stereotype and his special needs brother. Thanks to T. Gregory Argall for making this.

Technorati Tags: GEEK,Mario,Peach,Super,Brothers,Bowser,moustache,Luigi,Hyrule,Zelda,Link,Argall,Seth,McFarlane,Cavalcade,Cartoon,Comedy,plumber

Windows Live Tags: GEEK,Mario,Peach,Super,Brothers,Bowser,moustache,Luigi,Hyrule,Zelda,Link,Argall,Seth,McFarlane,Cavalcade,Cartoon,Comedy,plumber


WordPress Tags: GEEK,Mario,Peach,Super,Brothers,Bowser,moustache,Luigi,Hyrule,Zelda,Link,Argall,Seth,McFarlane,Cavalcade,Cartoon,Comedy,plumber


Blogger Labels: GEEK,Mario,Peach,Super,Brothers,Bowser,moustache,Luigi,Hyrule,Zelda,Link,Argall,Seth,McFarlane,Cavalcade,Cartoon,Comedy,plumber

MORAN MONDAY for Monday, September 21, 2009

For our first edition we were subjected to a remarkable amount of brave morans.  Morans that were not afraid to walk the road less taken.  To face off against the overwhelming tide of love and law and good taste and proudly cry out “Hey, look at me!  I am a big, stinking MORAN and I don’t care if you know it!”    Oh we know it.  Yes, yes we do.

Patrick Swayze died last week.    I’m sorry to remind everyone of this fact.  I know we were all sad, especially those of us who didn’t  have him in our dead pool.  But he did, and somehow the world goes on.   In the wake of this sudden and not expected death from terminal cancer, it seemed the whole world cried.  And who wouldn’t.  Anyone who had seen Road House knows that Swayze is the preeminent bar owner/bouncer with a heart of gold playing actor of this or any generation.  It also seems that he was a nice guy off screen too.  So of course it makes sense that people like Keanu Reeves would say something like “He was such a great actor and just really brought light to wherever he went.”   So leave it to noted cancer care expert Dr. Suzanne Somers to put everything into perspective.   "They took this beautiful man and they basically put poison in him," she reportedly said. "Why couldn't they have built him up nutritionally and gotten rid of the toxins in his body? I hate to be this controversial. I'm a singer-dancer-comedienne. But we have an epidemic going on, and I have to say it."    Yes Suzanne, we have an epidemic going on.  An epidemic of stupid, moranic semi-celebrities opening their mouths and offering medical advice that they are not, in any way shape or form, qualified to give.    Chemotherapy isn’t the greatest cure ever, not by a long shot, but it has saved more lives than doing nothing, which is basically what Dr. Somers is advocating.      And for those of you who do not know, as far as cancer is concerned, doing nothing is 100% fatal.

Two words.  “Kanye” “West.”   Yeah, I know I don’t need to go on.  Everyone knows what a complete and utter MORAN Kanye  West is.  Taking the spotlight away from that nice Taylor Swift and all.     One thing most people probably don’t know is that Kanye arrived at the MTV Video Awards carrying a bottle of Hennessy cognac and drank from it through out the show.  Which means what happened wasn’t the result of a regular moran, it was the result of a drunk moran, which as we all know is the best kind of Moran.

First, the woman’s name is Orly Taint.  Yes, that is really her name.    Next, she is a lawyer … maybe … barely.   Lastly, she is the self appointed leader of the “Birther” movement.    What that means is she is the one at the head of the moranic group of people who believe that President Obama was born in Kenya and therefore not eligible to be President of the united States.     Of course, that in itself is not enough to add her to Moran Monday, nor is the two, count ‘em two, phony Kenyan birth certificates she has tried to pass off as real.    No this week she is here because last week she was laughed out of court … again, and this week she came back challenging last weeks decision, even though the judge threatened her with a $10,000 fine.    The case last week was on behalf of one Army Captain Rhodes who went to medical school on the public coin then decided, on the eve of her deployment to Iraq, that she can’t be sent away because Obama is not legitimately president.    BUT (and there is always a but with these people) Ms. Taint filed THIS WEEKS motion without the consent of Captain Rhodes, who decided to go to Iraq and leave this ugliness behind her.  Which means that on top of the $10,000 fine, Ms. Taint could be disbarred and spend some time in jail.    Too bad they can’t strip her of her citizenship … what?  She’s not an American citizen?????  She’s German???  So then the question of who is President is NONE OF HER DAMN BUSINESS ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!    What a moran!

One: She is a virgin at 53. Two: Technically????? Three: She is at a school board meeting to discuss their plans for sex education. Four: That discussion was held the night before.  Five: Not so technically a Moran.

Written By: Gord Gardiner

Technorati Tags: Patrick Swayse,Suzanne Somers,Orly Taint,Kanye West,Taylor Swift

Weekly News Roundup for Sunday, September 20, 2009

SOCIALIST PRESIDENT DARES ADDRESS SCHOOL CHILDREN WITH COMMON SENSE, GOOD ADVICE. “THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR NOT TRYING,” COMRADE OBAMA DARED PREACH, “NO ONE HAS WRITTEN YOUR DESTINY FOR YOU.” “HOW DARE HE SAY THE RIGHT THINGS,”  A NOTED REPUBLICAN SAID.  “THANKS TO HIS MANIFESTO OUR CHILDREN WILL BELIEVE THEY HAVE BRIGHT FUTURES AND CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING.” WHEN ASKED FOR HIS OPINION, TWELVE YEAR OLD MASON SMITH SAID “CAN I HAVE ICE CREAM?”

I LIKE GIRLS WHO WEAR ABERCROMBIE & FITCH

WASHINGTON – The head of the International Monetary Fund called for increased aid to poor countries, saying that they are victims of the global recession.      “Poor countries desperately need financing to tide them over,” Dominique Strauss-Khan said during a meeting with a Washington think tank this week.  “How can we expect an African child to afford a V-neck sweater from Abercrombie & Fitch without our help?  How can an average African mother feed a family of four and still find money for the odd manicure?  How I ask you, how?”    When later questioned, Strauss-Kahn admitted he didn’t know much about Africa other than it’s a catchy tune and he has it as his ring tone.

CITATION NEEDED

WASHINGTON – Protesters greeted Canadian Prime Minister Steven Harper as he travelled to Washington this week to meet with President Obama.    The protesters, from P.E.T.A. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) were there to protest “whatever it is you Canadians are doing up there.”   According to a spokesperson “We know that Canada is up to something.  We know because we read it on Wikipedia, and we want Canada to stop it, whatever it is.”    Along with chants of “Hey hey, ho ho, you know what you did, we don’t have to remind you, so stop it, or we shall protest some more” protesters held signs reading “Stop the senseless thing”, “Canada is guilty, I guess, “ and “The guy with the megaphone told me to protest!”

PARDON MY INTERRUPTION

NEW YORK – There has been worldwide outrage this week when, during the MTV Video Awards rapper Kanye West jumped up on stage during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech fore best female video of the year.  West, who had been drinking heavily, took the microphone from Swift, told her he’d give it back and proclaimed that Beyonce’s video was “One of the greatest of all time!”   It was later discovered that Kanye sampled the interruption from a 1972 Frank Zappa outburst during the Grammy awards when he jumped on stage, took the microphone from Carole King and announced that “Me and Bobbie McGee is the grooviest tune of all time.”

EYE SPY

MIAMI – Blind for nine years, Sharron “Kay” Thompson can finally see thanks to a remarkable procedure known as the “Tooth in eye procedure.”   The procedure, more formally known as modified osteo-odonto-keratoprosthesis (MOOKP), involved taking one of Thompson’s teeth (Ick), attaching a lens to it (Yuck) and implanting it inside the eyeball (Ewewew) and holding it in place using a mucous layer found inside of Thompsons mouth. (Ithinki’mgonna puke yuck yuck yuck)    With this operation considered a success, next week doctors plan on implanting a small speaker into the ear of a deaf person using three meters of lower intestine and a mould grown from something found between two toes of some homeless guy.

CPFOG the BLOG Written by: Gord Gardiner – Team Edward Prufrod by: Jen Gardiner – Team Jacob

Technorati Tags: Obama,Kanye West,Taylor Swift,Canada,Steven Harper