CPFOG the blog: PRINCESS PEACH: WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER for Thursday, September 24, 2009 (Updated)

Imagine you are in a relationship. Imagine the person you are dating constantly needs your attention. Imagine this person constantly needs your attention because she is constantly

getting kidnapped by an overgrown turtle.
Congratulations, you have just imagined the life of Mario, the video game character, and his relationship with Princess Peach.
Introduced in the game Super Mario Brothers where she was kidnapped by Bowser (No, not the guy from Sha-Na-Na) the Princess has, over the years, constantly needed rescuing over and over and over again.
And you thought your girlfriend was being needy when she wanted to cuddle.

Mario is a plumber. We all know this. He’s a little paunchy, got a big nose and an ugly ass moustache. Plus his brother, Luigi, is a little slow on the uptake. Put this together and it seems that Mario is a lucky, lucky man to have caught the eye of a cutie like Princess Peach, but the Princess is what we call “High maintenance.”
Not the regular type of high maintenance of course. The big problem here is not that she spends too much time on her makeup… although she probably does (the bitch), the problem is that she is constantly getting kidnapped … by the same guy/turtle/thingy over and over and over again.
And who gets sent in to rescue her? Mario, that’s who. Not the kings men. Not an army of knights. One poor little plumber.
I can imagine the conversation right now.

KING: Mario, the princess has been kidnapped again.
MARIO: Again?
KING: I need you to go and rescue her.
MARIO: Again?
KING: Now the journey will be hard and filled with many dangers.
MARIO: Don’t you have an army?
KING: And there is a chance you may not make it back.
MARIO: Seriously, you have a bunch of knights kicking around, why not send them?
KING: Oh no, I need them.
MARIO: To do what?
KING: Well someone has to protect the kingdom in this time of need.
MARIO: Really? Protect the kingdom?
KING: Yes, why?
MARIO: Well it just seems like if you have knights to protect the kingdom then you might spare a couple to look after the Princess now and then.
KING: Really?
MARIO: Yes really.
KING: You know, I’ve never thought of that.

And it’s not like Princess Peach can’t take care of herself. She twice starred in her own

game, and in one (Super Princess Peach) she rescued Mario. Plus she has held her own in the free for all Super Smash Brothers series of games. So basically, she can kick ass when she wants to, but mostly waits around for Mario to save her scrawny ass.
And (this is important so pay attention) she can fly. That’s right, while Mario has to suffer a concussion to get a costume that’ll let him float a bit, the Princess can actually, naturally fly. And considering that Bowser considers imprisonment to be “put her over there somewhere” the Princess should be able to get her own ass out of trouble.
Oh sure, the Princess will probably say something like Mario constantly needs to feel useful, but I believe the answer is simpler than that. Princess Peach is obviously having an affair with Bowser, and poor Mario is so whipped that he just keeps going after her, sometimes dragging his challenged brother Luigi along for the ride.
And what does long suffering Mario get as a reward? According to THIS article she “usually bakes him a cake or kiss him upon her rescue.” So she’s a tease too? I’ll tell you this, if one day a bunch of half human/half turtle children suddenly appear, Mario better man up, head over to Hyrule and show Princess Zelda a thing or two. (Since Link is obviously gay.)
Let’s face it, as far as girlfriends go, Princess peach is the worst. A lazy, two timing, tease girlfriend of a whipped stereotype and his special needs brother.