T.G.A. Friday for Friday, April 2, 2010

“W”TF?

I used to actively seek out things that I could mock and wonder about. Now they’re everywhere, stupid things. You can’t turn around without tripping over one.   For example, last weekend I used an ATM at a bank that is not my regular financial institution. Initially, the on-screen prompts were fairly standard, what I’d expect at any bank machine.   Enter Your PIN it prompted I entered my PIN (which is definitely not 9823).   Choose A Transaction Type it urged. I chose Withdraw Cash because, after all, that was what I wanted to do.   Then it became… odd.   Normally, the ATM would then ask me which account I would like to access in order to withdraw the cash, and it did, in fact, ask just such a question. It was the way in which the question was presented that got me wondering and, indeed, mocking.   Displayed on the screen of the ATM was the phrase “From” Which Account?   Yes, that’s right. There were quotation marks (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quotation_mark ) around a single word in the sentence.   I immediately realized that one of two possible factors was at play in this situation.   Either…   A: The machine had not only spontaneously developed sentience (SkyNet here we come!), it had also used its newfound intelligence to develop philosophy. It was being existentially ironic, suggesting that, as energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transferred from one form to another (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conservation_of_energy ), so, too, money cannot be created only altered in form. The money I withdraw won’t actually come from anywhere. It already exists. I am merely altering the manner in which it will be interpreted.   As inevitable as the link between sentient computers and the enslavement of all mankind is, the consequences of a philosophy-driven machine intelligence are even more frightening.   Consider this scenario, in which the epitome of American technology knocks on the door and asks, with an Austrian accent, “Are you Sarah Connor?”   “…Yes,” replies the young woman who looks startlingly like Linda Hamilton.   “Have you ever considered our purpose in the universe?”   Seventy-two hours later the killer robot from the future is still prattling on about the metaphysically artificial nature of good and evil in a post-industrial society, while Sarah Connor puts a shotgun under her chin and blows her own brains out just to get him to shut the hell up.   Or…   B: The highly educated computer technician who programmed the ATM is a functionally illiterate, text-message-obsessed twit who couldn’t use proper punctuation to save his life.   I don’t know which is worse. At least with option A there is some hope for the survival of humanity. When the pondering hordes of neo-Nietzsche automatons from the post-apocalyptic future come knocking, we can just pretend we’re not home. You know, like we do with those other guys.   As I left the bank parking lot, I saw a van with a license plate that read “H E P L.”   As I sped past it, I said, “Sorry, buddy. You’re on your own. You’ll just have to save yourself.” Then I giggled far more than I probably should have. tga

HUMP DAY REPORT for Wednesday, March 31, 2010

DUMBERER AND DUMBERER STILL…

“Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn?”*   Of course you don’t.   Nor do you recall the source material from which that first lyrical line is being quoted.   In fact, most of you are so wet-behind-the-ears that for you the Clinton administration is ancient history.   WAIT A MINUTE!!!   I can hear the whine from here. HORNBECK! You’ze am a Canuck and is/am tippy tappy typing from Canada yes? So WHY O’ WHY O’ WHY-OH would you choose to use a U.S. of A. political administration as your temporal hallmark?   Well, my fictitious and vernacularly inconsistent objectionist, here’s your answer: I wanted to reference a defined period in time, an era not-too-broad in its scope. The Americans (as they like to call themselves with that special selective brand of self-awareness-slash-narcissism they exude) limit the period of time over which anyone my preside… them… in a Presidential…sense… so… OH FORCRYINGOUT LOUDSTOPWHINING!!!   YOU’VE RUINED MY WHOLE OPENING NOW!   I’ll start again.   Does anybody here remember Vera Lynn?   Of course you don’t.   In fact, most of you are so wet-behind-the-ears that for you the Clinton administration is ancient history.   So it’s probably safe to say that most of you only ever experienced the technological marvel that was (is?) “The Clapper” when you visited Grandma’s house.   Oh how it once was children… There was a time when the familiar refrain of the mighty Clapper echoed freely across the landscape of late-night TV.   Come on… sing it with me!   Clap on.   Clap off.   Clap on. Clap off…   The CLAPPER!   And do you know what “The Clapper” was, my children?   It was a new and marvellous technology that allowed us to turn things off or on at a distance merely by clapping our hands.   That’s right… like GODS we clapped our hands and lights went on or off in accordance with our will.   Intrepid souls with the spark of ingenuity found ways to adapt the technology to TV sets, stereos, every form of light-fixture imaginable, and (I’m quite sure) vibrators and sexual devices and toys. (This last innovation resulted in the short-lived popularity of a SECOND meaning for the popularly uttered phrase… “giving someone ‘The Clap’”)   Oh… what wonders I’ve seen.   So imagine my surprise when I recently saw an ALL-NEW commercial promoting an ALL-NEW upgraded version of this miracle technology.   And do you know what made this new edition SO special? Wait for it…   Wait for it…   Okay… here it comes…   You ready?   This is it…   They had updated the Clapper by adding… a SWITCH to it!   That’s right, an “innovator” “improved” an existing product…   (Hold on.)    …by adding TO that product…   (Get your migraine medication handy.)   … THE VERY TECHNOLOGY IT WAS DESIGNED TO REPLACE!   Is this a new low?   I think this might be a new low?   “Hey LOOK, honey! They’ve improved ‘The Clapper’!”   “Really, darling? How so?”   “Well, they’ve put a switch in it.”   “Oh darling, that’s marvellous! So you mean, no more tedious clapping of the hands to turn things of and on?”   “No more, my dear. Such trials are now a thing of the past. We, the children at the dawn of a new age may instead simply get up out of our excessively-padded chairs and walk over to wherever we’ve installed our ‘Clapper’ remote switch and cause power to flow with barely a touch of our finger.”   “Darling… is this a miracle? I think this is a miracle? Don’t you? Or is that going too far.”   “A miracle? A miracle to suggest that, should I wish to turn on a light, I could simply walk over to a wall-mounted switch and press a button rather than clapping my hands? No, darling. I don’t think it’s going to far at all.”   What miraculous times we live in.   Oh look… I’ve just invented the paper and stylus WORD PROCESSOR   And another innovation…   … E-MAIL, now using paper, ink, stamps and a vast network of people and transport vehicles to get messages where you want them to go.   Oh… AND…   …An eco-friendly, electric car powered ENTIRELY by cheap, convenient FOSSIL FUELS!   My god, I’m on fire here! I’ve just come up with…   …NEW & IMPROVED DEMOCRACY, a representative system of government in which the interests of everyone are represented by ME in a consolidated and concentrated form of head of state known as EMPEROR.   That’s right baby! One man one vote!   I’m one man and my one vote will count for all votes!   CAN MORE INNOVATIONS BE FAR BEHIND?   TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO THE NEW AND IMPROVED HUMPDAY REPORT… now with a few slightly different words. --G.D. HORNBECK