Random Thoughts About Random Things or My Lazy Ass Blog Post

It's been a weird week and I really can't think of anything substantial to write about, (oh look, he thinks his blog is substantial! Isn't he cute?) so I decided to fall back on an old bloggers trick and just write random things that come to mind. I know, it's the cheap way out, but no one ever accused me of being above cheapness.
Here we go.

- I really hate the new opening of the show Suburgatory. Also I hate that they fired Alan Tudyk.
- Yeah, I watch Suburgatory, what's it to ya?
- I don't really know if I've ever had pigs in a blanket. I mean I'm sure I have but no one has ever handed me something and said "try these pigs in a blanket, they are lovely." And I need that.

- I really regret last weeks post because fuck winter!

- I hope Matthew Perry comes back to TV soon. I really liked his last two shows and thought they should have lasted longer.

- Cheese is good.

- So are cookies.

- Why has no one made a cheese cookie?

- Why does the Super Bowl need to be a bowl every year? Why can't it be a Super Cup or a Super Plate one in awhile. It gives someone the chance of getting the entire Super Place Setting over the course of a career.

- Speaking of, how do they get the halftime show stage together and apart so quickly? Is it inflatable?

- Do women ever stand on a chair, grab the hem of their dress and do that "eek eek" dance when they see a mouse, or have cartoons lied to me?

- If we get twelve feet of snow over the course of a winter does that mean the thirteenth foot is free?

- and finally, I don't think Brooke from Dance Moms gets a decent break from Abby Lee Miller. She's just a good a dancer as the other girls and deserves the odd solo.

- Yeah I watch Dance Moms, don't judge me!

Until next time internet! ~drops mic~

It's Winter, Stop Complaining Already

I have something to tell you that may surprise you.

You ready?

Really?

Ok, here we go.

It's winter, and winter is cold.

I mind blowing, I know.

The reason I tell you this is because everyone, and I mean everyone, is complaining that it is cold this winter. Unless you live in Australia, in which I am led to believe that you are complaining it's too hot. In which case you can rot in hell.

But I digress.

The surprising fact that it is cold in winter seems to stem from the fact that we, in Canada, forgot that we live in a land where winter happens. During the summer there is some sort of mass forgetfulness, kind of like one of those flashy memory wipe things from the Men in Black movies. I think it's called "The Sun."

During the time that this sun thingy is out and dominates the weather we just up and forget that we are in Canada. We seem to think we live in Florida or something so that when this winter thing happens we get all surprised and forget how to drive.

Listen, I get it. Uncomfortable sucks. High gas bills suck. Not being able to feel your finger tips suck. Also being a whiny child sucks but I don't see that stopping you!

You know who has the right to whine? Texas. That's right, the "bigger, badder, born to be bad" state is experiencing more snowfall then it knows what to do with. Ok granted by "more snowfall" I mean "millimeters" but considering it usually gets none I'm willing to cut them some slack.

Btw: for those readers who aren't in Canada please feel free to replace the word "Canada" with wherever you are as long as it got a butt load of snow!

Also the title of this weeks post is an exact quote from my doctors receptionist who would know from people whining about the cold.

App Attack and Other Non-Original Headlines

I have an idea for an app. This, of course, assumes you know what an app is. But for the un-initiated an app is like a program but instead of being called a program they call it an app.

All caught up? Good.

So I have an idea for an app. It basically keeps track of all the apps you have on your phone, or tablet, or computer or whatever. It'll read your phone or ... Whatever and tell you what apps you have in one handy list. Maybe it'll tell you when you last used said apps but that's not important, the important part is the list. That way you can look at all the apps you have in one handy list and admire them and maybe show people and say "look at all the apps I have. Why I even have three in which I can order pizza!"

Now I know you are thinking to yourself that an app like this is worthless but I'm telling you it is nessissary and inevitable, because why else would we have so damn many apps on our device in the first place if it wasn't to show people how many apps we have.

Let's look at my phone. I have a game on my phone that I don't like playing, that I avoid playing at every opportunity, and yet I can't get rid of it because if I do I lose all the games I don't want to play. So when people see it on the list it shows how smart I am that I am playing said game. 

Makes sense?

I also have an app for a coffee chain. I can't for the life of me tell you why I have it but it's a Canadian chain so when someone see's it on the list they will know I am patriotic!

There is a music search app, that shows I am into the music scene that the kids today are into. A movie search app, which people will see and know I am a lover of visual arts. A book reader program and an app for a national book chain, I am well read.

Also I have one that tells you the weather with pictures of kitties. Because I like kitties and I like knowing what the weather. It's two great tastes that taste great together!

Are you starting to see the beauty of the list? With just one glance people can see the person you pretend on your phone you are, and you can see who they pretend to be and you can both pretend to admire each other without all that pesky swiping with your finger.

I'll sell it for $1.99 because I'm a generous person. You are welcome world!

The TV Dilemma or How I learned To Stop Worrying and Hate Two and aHalf Men

I like TV.

No, that's not right. I love TV. I watch it all the time. It is my primary form of entertainment. In my world there is nothing better than watching Dance Moms psychologically scar their Dance Daughters. (Don't judge me.)

I always have someting to watch. Whether it's a judge show during the day or a sit-com at night or something we have waiting patiently on our PVR that records up to 4 shows at one time. (Currently we have 34 recordings on the PVR to watch whenever we are done watching live tv.)

So yeah, I love TV. I love watching TV more than going to the movies, which isnt saying much because I dont much care for going to the movies but I needed something to compare it too.

But as much as I love TV I have recently discovered a problem with TV. That being a lot of what is shown on TV, how should I put this? ... it sucks.

Let me explain. I love sit-coms. It is what I prefer to watch other than Dance Moms (Don't judge me). In days gone by I would watch Two and a Half Men over anything else and defend it to those Soprano loving ... guys ... whatever Itallian insult you can throw in here. Give me a sit-com over anything else was my motto. Well except for Dance Moms. (Don't judge me)

My wife, on the other hand, loved cop shows, well any show in which a crime is solved. It drives me crazy that she would rather watch bones then say ... well there is the problem. This season the sit-coms have declined in quality so much that I would rather not watch them. Actually this isn't a new thing. Two and a Half Men wasn't worth watching long before Charlie Sheen became a wizard and other top shows, like Mike and Molley and Two Broke Girls are just bland. Thank God we still have Big Bang Theory or it would be a bleak landscape indeed.

And let's just not talk about the new Arrested Development shows. I'm ashamed even to bring them up.

So what does one man do in a world where The Millers and Mom exists and Dance Moms is only on once a week. (Don't judge me!)

So I turned to Netflix. Currently trying out Orange is the New Black and ... meh. Really so many people rave about the show there was no way it could live up to the hype. I am enjoying House of Cards but thats not a comedy, is it? (No really, I can't tell.)

The end nresult is that it is a depressing world out there for a man who loves his comedies. Well at least I have Community back.

Oh God Dammit!

Don't judge me!

The Christmas Hangover

It happens every year without fail. 

Christmas!

Every December 25th like some sort of virus and ... Oh wait no, like an ex girlfriend who won't leave you alone and ... No! Like an itch, yeah an itch that you can't scratch for a month then you finally scratch it on the same day every freaking year. Yeah, I like that better.

The thing is this itch ... Which is what I am really staying with really, really I mean it ... Returns every freaking year, so you have to go through the whole pain in the ass reaching over your left shoulder with your right hand and almost, but not quite reaching it so you rub against your bed but that does nothing and ... Well you know how this ends. You realize you have some sort of stick or something and it reaches the itch and it just so happens to be December 25th again!

Pain in the ass.

But the bigger pain in the ass is what happened after Christmas. No not New Years, although that is also a bit of a pain in the ass. No I'm talking about the Christmas hangover. That feeling you get that, after a month of trying to feel good about the world and trying to be nice to your fellow man (and woman and children and guy names Guido who dresses in some very nice gowns) and after a day of getting stuff and eating and drinking, you just feel like something is missing suddenly. 

No more good feelings.

No more free stuff.

No more good food.

No more fancy drinks that for some reason always involve the flavor peppermint.

It's all over and you are stuck with 11 months of treating your fellow man (and woman and children and that lady at the Starbucks who has a really butch haircut for such a pretty face) like you normally treat them.

And a freaking ice storm. Let's not forget the ice storm.

I'm not telling you or anyone (ok you!) to treat your fellow man (or woman or children or some other sexual stereotype that I haven't insulted yet) that you should treat people better

 During the other 11 months. I am suggesting we have a Christmas every month!

That's right. 12 Christmases a year. One a month. Although we don't have to call them all Christmases. We can name them individually for something that happens that month.

Work with me here. February being Black History Month can have Martin Luther King Jr.-mas. August can have Jimmy Buffett-mas. In March we can have a Hunger Games style lottery to pick who to name it after! 

Each one can have it's own decorations, it's own seasonal music, it's own types of lights. And there would be no time to have a Martin Luther King Jr-mas hangover because we have to turn around and get ready for my wife Jenifer Gardiner-mas.

Think about what it would do for the economy! It'll solve unemployment!

It is the perfect solution to all of our problems!

You are welcome world!