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With the end of the year comes the irrational urge to make unfounded predictions about the next year. That’s always fun. (More fun than admitting how wildly off the mark last year’s predictions were, anyway.) Here we go. In the year 2010…  - Aldo Nova, Gino Vannelli, Luba and Strange Advance will perform together throughout Canada in a series of small-venue concerts billed as the “Can-Con Purgatory Tour.” The encore of each show will be a collective performance of a new song entitled, “Wish We Were Big Like Chilliwack.” - Sylvester Stallone will embark on a musical career, becoming the new front man of a former ‘60s rock/soul super-group. The first single from “Sly and the Family Stallone” will be a re-recording of “Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Adrin)” - James Cameron will implode. - CBS Television will be embroiled in scandal and controversy following the internet release of a viral video called “Two-And-A-Half Men, One Cup.”  - Prop comic and steroid-repository Carrot Top will beat the hell out of himself after realizing that, although there’s a discount, it’s still a collect call and that’s just rude. - Bono will shut the hell up. - Republicans will continue to blame U. S. President Barack Obama for bad weather, runny eggs, the decline of religion-based science and the inexplicable longevity of “CSI: Miami.” - U. S. President Barack Obama will continue to blame Republicans for his low approval rating amongst the Republican Party, as well as the inexplicable longevity of “CSI: Miami.” - In a misguided effort to remain relevant, Lindsay Lohan will set a new record by not urinating for an entire year. The results are, sadly, predictable. - Mythical Swedish music innovators ABBA will reunite following their induction into  the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Under the management of Jake Riviera, they will agree to a scheduled year-long tour with Elvis Costello, but due to constant debate and disagreement regarding the line-up and order of performance, the tour will be cancelled after only one show. Attempts to reconcile the performers’ differences and reschedule the tour fail as ABBA and Costello continue to argue about who’s on first. |
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