GEEK THURSDAY for Thursday, March 11, 2010

THE NEW RULES FOR ROCK & ROLL

Like most people I have a soundtrack to my life. That soundtrack is Rock and Roll. Thanks to my brother Brian I grew up on it. (Although I still say The Who is better than Zeppelin.)   There are times I look back and remember the soundtrack with the moments. Like The Who's We Won't Get Fooled Again that I listened to before each and every High School exam. Or Rock & Hyde's classic yet little known album Under The Volcano that was THE album for me in High School.   How about Pink Floyd's Another Brick In The Wall: Part Two that all the kids in grade school kept singing, not realising that there was a whole concept album behind it that I, and only I, out of all those grade school kids, had listened to.   How about this. Brian had a book of interviews from the Rolling Stone magazine. I borrowed the book and was reading it on the bus to school. Another kid saw what I was reading and proudly proclaimed "I hate the Rolling Stones!"   And yet that music I love so much has grown up around me and is no longer the same as I remember it. Like most middle agers it has grown a bit around the waist and slowed down a bit.   But I have the solution. I know where to cut the fat and make Rock and Roll what it once was.   And it is with this that I proudly present CPFOG’s Laws of Rock and Roll. Law One: Any song that uses the phrase Rock and Roll in a positive sense MUST be a genuine Rock and Roll song. (Former teen sensations AJ and Aly, I am looking at you!) Law Two: Rap is not Rock and Roll. Rap is its’ own thing, so don't insult both of them by placing them together. Just give Rap its’ own damn hall of fame. Law Three: No one, no where, at no time may cover American Pie again! (Thanks to Madonna for ruining that one for us.) Law Four: Any Rock and Roller who releases two consecutive albums of mostly slow music can no longer be called a Rock and Roller. (Goodbye Bruce Springsteen.) Law Five: There is no such thing as New (or Neo) Punk. You are Punk or you are not Punk. End of story. Law Six: No band formed after 1977 can call itself Punk. The Sex Pistols were Punk. The Clash were Punk. Green Day is not Punk. Law Seven: Hair Metal will hereby stay dead. Law Eight: U2 no longer has the moral authority to perform any song from their first five albums. Infraction of this law comes with a punishment of listening to the complete political speeches of Bono in one sitting. (That'll teach him.) Law Nine: The 80s New Wave never happened. Do you hear me, IT NEVER HAPPENED!!!!! Law Ten: Any hot guitar chick who becomes a fat bloated guitar chick is hereby forced into retirement. Law Eleven: Double standards still apply. Law Twelve: Country, in any form, is not Rock and Roll. I don't care what you thought of Johnny Cash. Law Thirteen: (Otherwise known as Rod Stewart's Law) You are allowed one (1) album of standards before you will be shot. Law Fourteen: Any musician or group that compares any of his/her/its music to any Beatles album will hereby be stripped, shackled and have rotten fruit pelted at them. This goes double if your name is Paul McCartney. Law Fifteen: Paul McCartney must stop! NOW! Law Sixteen: Appearance on a reality show is an automatic ejection. (And not the good type.) Law Seventeen: Multiple wives/lovers at one time stops being cool after fifty. Yes Mick Jagger, I'm pointing at you. Law Eighteen: No person/band can call its’ album by the color on the front. It's been done to death by better people than you. Law Nineteen: The Eagles touring is no longer interesting. Law Twenty: If a quorum of your band's members are dead, you can no longer call your band by the same name. (Are you listening The Who?) Law 21: If you are a female singer, you are no longer allowed to sing "Mercedes Benz" or "Another Little Piece of My Heart." It's been done to death, and probably by better singers than you. Law 22: Unless the name of your band is Boston, any ten year gap between albums is an automatic retirement. Law 23: There is no choreography in Rock and Roll. Law 24: Any song with a political statement must be a good song first and foremost. Are you listening Bruce Cockburn? Law 25: Actors can no longer release albums. Musicians can no longer act. Once you cross that line you can never go back. Law 26: To be called Rock and Roll you must destroy at least three hotel rooms in a span of five years. Law 27: It is no longer enough for parody albums to be good (The Rutles second album) or funny (Spinal Taps’ second album). A parody album must be good and funny. (The Rutles and Spinal Taps’ first albums.) Law 28: (Paul McCartney's Law.) If you publicly announce that you cannot read or write musical notations, do not be surprised if the world goes "Well, that explains it." Law 29: Everyone who still considers themselves a hippie will be placed in a cryogenic freezing tube and only revived when either a: Being a hippie is back in style or b: The end of the world. Whichever comes first. Law 30: Neil Young must finally make up his mind for good. Is he in CSNY or not? Law 31: You are allowed only one (1) sequel to a previous album. Breaking this law means you have to change your name to Meatloaf. Law 32: One album of duets is fine, two is acceptable, after that you are washed up. Law 33: The number of Greatest hits albums is directly proportional to how washed up you are. Do you hear me Chicago!?!?!?! Law 34: Spirituality is fine. Push it too far and you'll end up making duet albums. (See Law 32 and Santana.) Law 35: Merchandising is fine. Pushing it too far means you'll end up with something called the Kiss Army. Law 36: The Grateful Dead is done, over, kaput. Any band that tries to be the new Grateful Dead is hereby punished by getting The Grateful Deads’ fans. Law 37: You don't tell me how to vote, I won't tell you that you were washed up fifteen years ago. Agreed? Law 38: You are allowed to sign one (1) song of yours to be in a TV commercial. More than one and you must shave your head, spout pseudo-political and pseudo-philosophical rantings and become a dance music vegan. Hellooooooooo Moby! Law 38: You are allowed to sign only one (1) song of yours into a TV theme song. This law does not count if the TV show features men dressed as women. Law 39: One song is a tribute. Two songs is weird. Three songs is a potential stalker. An entire album is grounds for the insanity plea. I'm looking at you Oasis! Law 40: Yelling "Rock And Roll" at the beginning of a party shows your age. That is punishment enough. And there you have it folks. Forty laws that I feel will bring Rock and Roll back to life. Do I expect anyone to follow those laws? Nope. Why? Money. Money drives business and business is what Rock and Roll is these days. Which brings me to the final law. Law 41: Rock and Roll was the rage against the machine. The voice of the generation that was going to change the world. For everyone who was there and doing it and are now not doing it, your punishment is the most severe. You get to live in the world that, face it, you made. Have a good day.