THE MAURY BEFORE CHRISTMAS for Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Twas the Maury before Christmas, and all across the stage, Telequisha was angry, she was boiling with rage. She screamed that he left her for his new girlfriend Brandy, but she knew that St. Ni’kolus was her baby daddy. And Maury was sitting all snug on stage right, with visions of rating he’ll get from this fight. Baby mama is her tank top and bright red hair weave, yells she knows he’s the father, she one thousand per-cent believe. When out in back stage there arose such a clatter. The camera was switched to see what was the matter. Brandy was yelling.  Her voice was a roar. “He isn’t the Daddy you bleep, bleeping whore!” “We know you’re a slut and always remember, We all know you slept with his family member!” When what did the studios shock did appear? Yet another baby mama with another girl for him to rear. “Just look at her forehead, just look at her nose! And just like St. Ni’k she only has eight toes!” But faster that Maury can settle things down, The four of them started to go downtown. “You douche bag!” “You Slut!” “You Jerk wad!” “You Whore!” “My doctor says I can’t make girls anymore!” To the top of their voices all of them yelled! Now bleep away, bleep away, bleep you, you smell! Then Maury took over and calmed them all down. “This sure is a problem” he said with a frown. “There is a solution, there is but one way. To figure this out, we must check DNA!” He then brought out Ni’k and Brandy as well. The audience started to holler and yell. They entered from stage left.  They started to scream. The four of them on stage created a scene. He was dressed in all fur, this homeboy did strut. His pants were all hanging down below his big but. A bundle of gold chains from his neck did hang low. He had teeth in gold, his hair in corn rows. But Maury had work he still had to do. He held a big envelope that held all he knew. “Ni’k” he began “I have the results.” “I’m not worried Maury.  These two girls are sluts!” “In the case of Telaquisha, who slept with your brother. I have here the news, you are indeed the father.” “Now on to Twonnie who has her own pup. We’ll announce the results so we can wrap this all up.” “I’m not worried Maury,” he said with a grin. “She can’t be my daughter, she has lighter skin.” But Maury kept going “The results do not lie You are the father, you are the right guy.” The mothers both jumped up.  They started to yell. And his girlfriend Brandy was screaming as well. The audience was cheering.  They had the results. But St. Ni’k was humbled.  “I’ll act like an adult.” “I’ll take care of my babies, I’ll act like a man.” The audience cheered as loud as they can. And Maury exclaimed and he prepared to do more. Merry Christmas to all, and don’t be a whore!

Written by: Gord Gardiner Proofread by: Jen Gardiner

LiveJournal Tags: Maury,Maury Show

WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, December 21, 2009

A VERY SPECIAL “MUSKRAT LOVE” ISSUE

IS IT GETTING WARM IN HERE?

COPENHAGEN, Denmark – U.N. chief Ban “Larry” Ki-moon proudly announced that world leaders have reached an agreement on battling climate change.   According to the agreement, world leaders can be smug and brag about participation in the agreement for six weeks, after which they will just quietly let all memory of it slowly slip from public consciousness until the next climate change summit.   The participants of the summit also proudly announced that they were able to fast track Jon & Kate’s divorce, so they’ve got that going for them.

FLYING TO A WINTER WONDERLAND

WASHINGTON – American President Barak “Shecky” Obama had to leave the climate conference and fly back to Washington early.  Why?  Because he had to get to Washington before record snowfall.   Mother Nature, it would seem, is not without a sense of irony.

OH YES, WAIT A MINUTE MR. POSTMAN

WASHINGTON – White house computer technicians have announced that, during routine maintenance, they have found 22 Million (With an “M”) emails thought lost.     They also announced that six million of those emails were spam for penis enlargements, three million were replies for purchasing penis enlargement products (most of these came from the Vice Presidents account).  Two million were links to that “Two girls and a cup” video, five hundred thousand were requests from then President Bush for someone to show him how this email thingy works.    A further two and a half million emails were orders for Papa Johns pizza (One million of these had anchovies) and the rest were pictures of cute kitties in clothes.

AND NOW, YOUR FEEL GOOD AT CHRISTMAS STORY

TAUNTON, Mass - A Massachusetts man says his 8-year-old son was sent home from school and ordered to undergo a psychological evaluation after drawing a stick figure Jesus on a cross because the teacher thought it was too violent.   After the psychological evaluation, the boy was allowed back to school, but the Holy Roman Empire, on the other hand, is still suspended.

HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE ….

We here at CPFOG World Headquarters would like to take a moment to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.   Ahem.   Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.   So there.

GOOD NIGHT MR. WILLIAMS

HOLLYWOOD – Citing the economic downturn, producers of Robin Williams latest movie, a comedy titled “Wedding Banned” have cancelled the movie before production began..   So Merry Christmas everybody!

ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIGHT AND WATERLOO EVERY DAY

The Rock and Roll hall of fame announced their inductees for 2010.     Among those chosen were Genesis, the Stooges and Swedish pop music icons ABBA.   When asked about the inclusion of a definitely not Rock and Roll band, a spokesman said they were included because The Captain and Tennille were just too west coast for them.

AND IN OTHER CRAPPY ROCK NEWS

Billboard magazine has named Nickleback as group of the decade.   And yet another bash against The Captain and Tennille!    There is no God!!!!!!

THE TIGER DOES NOT SLEEP TONIGHT

In further Tiger Woods news …   …   …   He’s screwed.   And not the good type of screwed, because that’s what got him in this mess in the first place.   He’s the bad kind of screwed.    …   Maybe I should have used a word other than screwed?

CPFOG The Blog is:   Gord Gardiner – Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.   Jen Gardiner – Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand.

And what the hell does the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame have against the Carpenters???  I tell ya, there is no justice in the world!

LiveJournal Tags: Tiger Woods,Climate Change,ABBA,Robin Williams

BEST CHRISTMAS SONG EVER for Thursday, December 17, 2009

TOP FIVE CHRISTMAS SPECIALS THEY SHOULD HAVE MADE for Tuesday, December 15, 2009

WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, December 14, 2009

A VERY SPECIAL “RATED R” ISSUE!

PARENTAL ADVISORY

WASHINGTON – In what some have called a defining moment of his presidency, President Barack “Lenny” Obama announced that he would send 30,000 more  troops into Afghanistan.    He claimed that the surge of troops is meant to he hard on the Taliban, pounding away at them harder and harder, never letting up.  He vowed to hit at them all night like a lumberjack if needs be until they scream for mercy.   “They will feel the sharp thrust of our bayonets,” He said.  “We will push hard, we will not withdraw until the job is done.  They will beg for mercy at the amazing size of our war machine!  Ooooooooooooohhhhhhh yeah!”   He then stepped outside to have a cigarette.

THAT OLD SWEET SONG KEEP AGKHAZA ON MY MIND

Voters in Abkhazia, the separatist enclave in Georgia, have re-elected President Sergei V. Bagapsh by a decisive margin.  President Bagapsh has vowed that his first order of business will be to buy the country a few more vowels.

TOP TOYS FOR THE CHRISTMAS SEASON

Tickle Me Paris Hilton   Hungry, Hungry Hasselhof   Chris Brown’s Rockem, Sockem Robots   Lindsay Lohan Easy Bake Meth Lab

LIKE THE SANDS IN THE HOURGLASS

The CBS television network has announced that it is cancelling the long running daytime soap “As The World Turns.”  The show, which has been on the air for 57 years, will air it’s last episode next year, then it’ll be told that it’s daughter isn’t it’s, fall into a deep coma, become possessed by a demon and eventually die in a horrific plane crash only to be brought back to life and kept in a cabin in the woods for five years.,   And to think, people don’t like Soaps, I wonder why?

JET!

Legendary recording artist and former member of “Wings”, Sir Paul McCartney said this week that he regrets marrying Heather Mills.   So do we all, Paul.  So do we all.   When reached for comment, Heather Mills asked if we wanted fries with that.

THE TIGER SLEPT TONIGHT

Golf legend Tiger “Three” Woods got what every man wants for Christmas, to be outed as a serial adulterer.   … … …   Wait, let me try that again.     Legendary golfer Tiger “Sleeps Tonight” Woods found himself in trouble when it was discovered that he had been having affairs with, at last count, up to thirteen women and a voice mail to one of the women has been released and rumours of naked photo’s and a sex tape continue to circulate.   Which reminds me of a joke. How are Tiger Woods and Santa Different? Santa only has 3 Ho-s   Don’t forget to tip your waitress!

MEANWHILE

The backgrounds of the women at the heart of the Tiger Woods scandal continue to come out.  According to sources, two of the women are high priced escorts, one didn’t know Tiger was married, one was upset that he was sleeping around of her, one may pose for Playboy and several have hired high priced attorney’s.   Meanwhile his wife has reportedly purchased a large home in Sweden, his Mother in Law had to be taken to the hospital for chest pains and many of Wood’s commercial sponsors have pulled their ads.   Well what do you know, Golf IS interesting after all.

CPFOG the Blog is: Gord Gardiner – Writer – A dirty boy. Anonymous – Didn’t want to admit to the Tiger Woods Joke, but suggested we blame Todd J. for it. Jen Gardiner – Puffreader.

So there you go Todd, you get props for not doing anything.  Just like a real lawyer.

LiveJournal Tags: Tiger Woods,Obama,Paul,McCartney,AGKHAZA

SHOPPING GLADIATORS for Friday, December 11, 2009

It is time, once again, to arm yourself and review battle strategies.   That’s right; it’s time for Christmas shopping. Or Hanukkah shopping. Or Kwanzaa shopping. Or whatever. Regardless of your chosen faith, there are no doubt people who are depending on you to fulfill their unwarranted demands for undeserved gifts this holiday season.   And that means you have to go to… The Mall, just when the rest of humanity is also going to the mall. People who, for the rest of the year, don’t even know what a mall is, let alone have the knowledge to tell you where it is, are suddenly attending the mall in droves, apparently with the sole purpose of obstructing you from achieving your goal, which, if you’re smart, is simply to get in, purchase a pre-targeted gift and then get the hell out of that madhouse as quickly as you can. If blood must be shed and puppies must be orphaned in order for this to happen, so be it. It is the price we must pay in order to celebrate this joyous season of love and understanding.   But first, you need a plan…   Step 1 – Pre-Target Your Gifts – The importance of this cannot be stressed enough. Before you even leave your home to go to the mall, know exactly what you are going in for and avoid all distractions. Any minor misstep could drag you unwillingly into the violent mosh-pit of bargain-frenzied mall-zombies, never to be seen again.   My pre-target strategy is a deviously multi-facetted process that has never failed me. I chose some random bit of useless kitsch that serves no purpose and I get one for everyone on my gift-giving list. I find these items just as they start to make their inevitable slump from the sale shelf to the bargain bin and I buy them in such unnecessary quantities that market analysts sit up and take notice. Suddenly, it seems, sales trends are indicating that this item will be the must-have gift of the year. By the time I actually present the gifts to my loved ones, as well as my tolerated ones, the gifts have become as coveted as gold and stem-cells, despite their lack of any actual worth or value.   This year, my targeted gift item is “Osama bin Groovin” a CD collection of the al  Qaeda leader singing some of the greatest hits of the ‘70s. Sure, you scoff now, but I’m already stocked up and two weeks from now old ladies will be having knife fights in the parking over the last few available copies of this soon-to-be inexplicably desired musical compilation and you’ll be bartering the sale of your wife’s kidney in order to get the CD on the black market.   Step 2 – Vehicle Preparation – The holiday shopping season sometime requires us to do things that we wouldn’t normally do, so it’s best to take steps to make identifying you afterwards somewhat difficult. A key part of that is choosing the right vehicle. Select a common vehicle in a non-descript colour for your trip to the mall. (My friend Tracy has a beige Toyota Corolla and she didn’t even notice it was missing, when I did my shopping.) Once you’ve acquired your vehicle, smear some mud on the license plates, just in case.   When you arrive at the mall parking lot, park your car as far as possible from the mall doors. This may seem counter-intuitive, but it will actually save you several minutes, possibly hours. The parking areas closest to the mall will be filled with wandering vehicular nomads spending hours driving aimlessly looking for a convenient parking spot. There is no such thing. It’s a myth, the convenient parking spot. It doesn’t exist in December. Also, when you are executing your exit strategy from the mall, you can travel farther and faster on foot that you can by car in the dimly lit fustercluck that is a holiday season mall parking lot.   Step 3 – Take No Prisoners – As you enter the mall, moving directly towards your target gift, make no deviations and keep one thought in mind, make it your mantra… Head down, elbows up. Stop for nothing and no one. Don’t even slow down and never look back. If someone gets in your way, well, they should have known better and having them writhing on the floor, clutching some dislocated body part while screaming in agony will serve to distract others from buying what may, in fact, be the last available whatever-the-hell-you’re-getting.   Besides yourself, there are only two types of people in the mall during the holiday season: Bystanders and Barricades. You’ve got to be able to spot the difference and use one against the other. A Bystander can easily be converted into a weapon in order to shift a Barricade. However, a Barricade cannot be so easily turned to your advantage.   This is the most dangerous and crucial stage of your mission and feelings of compassion or remorse will only spell disaster. Do you really want to have to explain to your children that you simply didn’t have the courage, guts and killer instinct needed to show them how much you love them with a stupid, meaningless gift?   Step 4 – Get Out – Once you made your purchase it is time to battle your way back to the exit doors. I find that the well-timed collapse of a toy- or candy-filled display rack makes a convenient distraction, channelling the rubes out of my way and clearing a path to freedom. However, be sure you don’t get trapped in a mob of your own making. The display rack should tip away from you, not towards you.   Outside the mall, as you make your was across the parking lot, pay no attention to the vehicles circling in a fruitless quest for a place to park. They are moving slower than glaciers and are of no importance to you. As you reach your car, check to be sure that the license plates are still obscured. Driving out of the parking lot, you have two options. You can join the slow parade into oblivion that has trapped every other vehicle, or you can blaze a new trail, make a path by force. Use any available semi-flat surface and narrow space; a gap between two parked cars, the sidewalk, whatever it takes to get you and your purchases back to the comfort of your home as quickly as possible. Stop signs and driver courtesy are for lesser mortals. You’ve finished your holiday shopping and by right of conquest that makes you far superior to those around you.   Smiling the contented smile of the good and just, you can make your way home, there to await the Christmas morning thrill of listening to Osama bin Laden’s moving rendition of Piano Man, along with the infectiously hip-swaggering rhythm of Play That Funky Music, Infidel.   Happy Holidays and keep your head down! tga