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TOP FIVE THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM THE MAURY SHOW  |
| As anyone who reads my Twitter posts knows, I love the Maury Povich show. It’s the thinking mans Jerry Springer. So it should come as no surprise that I have found some important life lessons folded within the DNA tests and “You Won’t Believe It ” videos. Below you will find the collected knowledge found on the Maury show. Study them hard, for you never know when the day will come that you will need them. |
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#5: REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED IN A TV STUDIO |
| Quick, answer this question. You find yourself pregnant. You are sure that Billy Bob is the father, but Billy Bob is now dating/engaged to his new baby momma Betty Lou and denies everything  short of sleeping with you. You are tired and angry, you want Billy Bob to admit he is the father and want to shut that bitch Betty Lou up for good. What do you do? Of course you go on the Maury show and wage your war in front of millions of people. Sure, you may/probably will end up looking like a whore, but who cares? You dragged Billy Bob onto national TV and showed the world what an ass he is. And that is good enough for you. |
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#4: “WHATEVER” IS A NOUN, A VERB, AN ADVERB AND A SENTENCE ALL ON ITS OWN. |
| So the audience doesn’t take a liking to you. It’s bound to happen. I mean you’ve appeared on the show eight times to test twelve men but what is there not to like? Sometimes a lot, and the audience isn’t afraid to let you know their displeasure. But you have to defend your so called honour. This is where the most useful word in the world comes in.  “Whatevah!” (Translation: Whatever.) Here, let’s try it out. The audience yells “You are some sort of skanky ass whore.” You: “Whatevah!” Audience: “Why are you putting your children through this?” You: “Whatevah!” Audience: “This argument over health care is wearing us down!” You: “Whatevah!” There is no place where the word “Whatevah!” doesn’t fit, because thanks to the Maury show the word “Whatevah!” has become the universal word. It shall, some day, enter the universal lexicon as the most important word … nay, the only word. One day, we will all be saying sentences like “Whatevah, whatevah whatevah. Whatevah, whatevah WHATEVAH!” |
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#3: IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED, BLAME A FAMILY MEMBER |
| If your man isn’t attentive enough for you. If you believe very strongly that he is cheating but don’t know with who? Then there is one and only one person it can be, your family member. Maybe your sister, possibly your mother, definitely your cousin, sometimes HIS cousin. But the who doesn’t matter, what does matter is that someone in your family is to blame, whether you have proof or not. |
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#2: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SHAME ANYMORE |
| Let us say that you have appeared on the Maury show to accuse Cornell of being your Baby Daddy, and the DNA test proves that he is not the father. Yes, you cry and run off but there is a lesson to learn here. That lesson is, if you don’t know who your baby daddy is, then perhaps you  should keep this to yourself. It’s called shame, and it’s supposed to keep you from making an ass of yourself in front of large groups of people. But the people on the Maury show know no shame. Potential Baby Daddy #1 doesn’t work out? Bring on potential Baby Daddy #2, #3, #4-6 and on and on it goes until you are now dragging people who passed you on the street the night you conceived. And none of this shames you. At no point do you go “Wow, I’m not looking good here” and either give up or do the search privately. Nope, you will drag half the eastern seaboard onto Maury to prove to the world that you are, in no way, a whore who has slept with so many men you can’t figure out who your Baby Daddy is. And THAT is just baby #1. |
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#1: THERE IS NO STUPID ASS THING YOU CAN DO THAT ISN’T FORGIVABLE |
And then it comes to this question. After the show, what are you to do? Words  have been exchanged … er, yelled. Revelations have been made. But outside of the studio real life awaits for you, and the question has to be answered. Where does this cheater/baby daddy/former man fit into my life? Well, if the Maury show is to be believed, that man … er person will fit into your life like a snuggie. Because a remarkable amount of women who have been wronged take the scum bag back. Oh sure he knocked you up then knocked up your sister and is now hooked up with his “fiancée”, who just happens to be knocked up. But true love cannot be stopped by a little something like pride or self respect. You MUST take that man back, it’s just the “right” thing to do. |
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BONUS: APPARENTLY DOCTORS ALL OVER ARE GIVING MEN REALLY BAD REPRODUCTIVE ADVICE |
| It began very simply. One potential Baby Daddy said, matter of factly, that his doctor told him he couldn’t “make girls.” A little while later, another man made the claim that his doctor told him he “couldn’t make babies” because he only had one testicle. Suddenly, it appeared that doctors were giving really stupid advice to men. Someone claims his doctor says the rhythm method of birth control means he can’t be the daddy, while another claims he was the rhythm method means he will only father boys. Truth be told I don’t know which doctors these guys are going to, but I wouldn’t trust these guys to give me an aspirin let alone reproductive advice. But then I’ve never been on Maury, so who knows who I’d believe.  |
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| Written by – Gord Gardiner |
Monday, February 15, 2010
TOP FIVE THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM THE MAURY SHOW for Tuesday, February 16th, 2010
WEEKLY NEWS ROUNDUP for Monday, February 15, 2010
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A VERY SPECIAL “GOLD MEDAL” ISSUE |
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OUTWIT, OUTSMART, OUTLAST |
VANCOUVER – All eyes were focused on Vancouver, British Columbia as the 2010  Winter Olympic games began. Nations of the world marched into BC Place stadium with their heads held high and their hopes held higher. The world watched in awe as scenes from the history of Canada were performed before them. Dancers performed interpretive scenes from The Beachcombers while the worlds largest barbeque cooked up back bacon all to Ann Murray music … I think, I don’t know. Undercover Boss was on so I watched that. Anyway, Goooooooooooo Canada! |
OUVRE LA F’NETRE, FERMER LA PORTE |
OTTAWA - Meanwhile, Canadian Heritage Minister and all around party-pooper James Moore  says he was "disappointed" with the amount of French used during the 2010 Winter Olympic Games' opening ceremony. Moore told CBC on Sunday that the spectacle should have been "a better representation of our bicultural past and the reality today." As a token of conciliation, the Canadian Olympic Committee has announced that the closing ceremonies will be a tribute to Rene Simard, include a salute to the “Les Boys” movie series and have the worlds biggest poutine pulled into the stadium by Crique du Soleil performers. Happy now? |
TAKE THAT! |
| OTTAWA – Foreign Affairs Minister Lawrence Cannon sent a stern warning to Iran, accusing the country of ignoring international pleas to stop developing nuclear material. “I’m warning them, “ Cannon said in Ottawa, “And sternly.” “Oooooooooooooh.” Iran is reported to have replied. |
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KATE PLUS 200 PAGES OF CRAP |
Noted Baby momma Kate Gosselin, of Jon & Kate Plus High Profile Divorce fame, has released her third book. The book, titled I Just Want You to Know, is a collection of journal entries, letters to her children and pictures of her really bitchin’ hair style, intended to inspire other mothers of eight children who married a douche bag. |
CPFOG the Blog IS PROUD TO PRESENT: A SHORT LOOK INSIDE OF KATE GOSSELIN’S NEW BOOK |
| Chapter One: It’s about faith, love and exploiting your children. Chapter Two: If at first you don’t succeed, try a new hair style. Chapter Four: To my oldest children. Don’t worry, Mommy still loves the money you bring in. Chapter Eight: What a douche bag is and why Daddy is one. Chapter Twelve: Someday I hope you all have children of your own that you can whore out on TV. |
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| CPFOG the Blog is: Gord Gardiner – Writer Jen Gardiner - Poofradir |
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