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SOCIALIST PRESIDENT DARES ADDRESS SCHOOL CHILDREN WITH COMMON SENSE, GOOD ADVICE. “THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR NOT TRYING,” COMRADE OBAMA DARED PREACH, “NO ONE HAS WRITTEN YOUR DESTINY FOR YOU.” “HOW DARE HE SAY THE RIGHT THINGS,” A NOTED REPUBLICAN SAID. “THANKS TO HIS MANIFESTO OUR CHILDREN WILL BELIEVE THEY HAVE BRIGHT FUTURES AND CAN ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING.” WHEN ASKED FOR HIS OPINION, TWELVE YEAR OLD MASON SMITH SAID “CAN I HAVE ICE CREAM?” |
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I LIKE GIRLS WHO WEAR ABERCROMBIE & FITCH |
| WASHINGTON – The head of the International Monetary Fund called for increased aid to poor countries, saying that they are victims of the global recession. “Poor countries desperately need financing to tide them over,” Dominique Strauss-Khan said during a meeting with a Washington think tank this week. “How can we expect an African child to afford a V-neck sweater from Abercrombie & Fitch without our help? How can an average African mother feed a family of four and still find money for the odd manicure? How I ask you, how?” When later questioned, Strauss-Kahn admitted he didn’t know much about Africa other than it’s a catchy tune and he has it as his ring tone. |
CITATION NEEDED |
WASHINGTON – Protesters greeted Canadian Prime Minister Steven Harper as he travelled to Washington this week to meet with President Obama. The protesters, from P.E.T.A. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) were there to protest “whatever it is you Canadians are doing up there.” According to a spokesperson “We know that Canada is up to something. We know because we read it on Wikipedia, and we want Canada to stop it, whatever it is.” Along with chants of “Hey hey, ho ho, you know what you did, we don’t have to remind you, so stop it, or we shall protest some more” protesters held signs reading “Stop the senseless thing”, “Canada is guilty, I guess, “ and “The guy with the megaphone told me to protest!” |
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PARDON MY INTERRUPTION |
NEW YORK – There has been worldwide outrage this week when, during the MTV Video Awards rapper Kanye West jumped up on stage during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech fore best female video of the year. West, who had been drinking heavily, took the microphone from Swift, told her he’d give it back and proclaimed that Beyonce’s video was “One of the greatest of all time!” It was later discovered that Kanye sampled the interruption from a 1972 Frank Zappa outburst during the Grammy awards when he jumped on stage, took the microphone from Carole King and announced that “Me and Bobbie McGee is the grooviest tune of all time.” |
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EYE SPY |
| MIAMI – Blind for nine years, Sharron “Kay” Thompson can finally see thanks to a remarkable procedure known as the “Tooth in eye procedure.” The procedure, more formally known as modified osteo-odonto-keratoprosthesis (MOOKP), involved taking one of Thompson’s teeth (Ick), attaching a lens to it (Yuck) and implanting it inside the eyeball (Ewewew) and holding it in place using a mucous layer found inside of Thompsons mouth. (Ithinki’mgonna puke yuck yuck yuck) With this operation considered a success, next week doctors plan on implanting a small speaker into the ear of a deaf person using three meters of lower intestine and a mould grown from something found between two toes of some homeless guy. |
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| CPFOG the BLOG Written by: Gord Gardiner – Team Edward Prufrod by: Jen Gardiner – Team Jacob |
