HUMP DAY REPORT for Wednesday, March 17, 2010

PEOPLE ARE GETTING DUMBERER AND DUMBERER… BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT! COUGARS ARE ON THE PROWL AS STUPIDITY GETS COYOTE UGLY IN T.O. !

Getting right to it today.   No preamble. No clever wording-about beforehand.   Just gonna just dive right on in.   So here we go.   You ready?   Well, this is it…   Wait, did I say without “preamble”? ‘Cause if I did, that would be wrong. Just saying there’d be no preamble was a kind of preamble.   Of course, both of you out there who are reading this are sharp and astute enough to have caught that already so I won’t say another word about it.   Because if I did say more about it then----   THIS JUST IN:   THE LEAD IS BURIED… LONG LIVE THE LEAD!   Alright so…   Don’t know if you’ve heard but apparently the City of Toronto has a problem with Coyotes.   And before you say it: NO. The problem isn’t that they’re “…Ugly”.   (In fact, “Coyote Ugly” is a condition most often associated with Cougars.)   Apparently, some Coyotes ranging within the treed and wooded environs of Toronto, snatched up a beloved house-pet as an appetizer, apparently thinking it was more candy than canine.   The “problem” is that apparently these Coyote’s are unaware that THIS… [GORD: can you insert a picture of some improbable miniature ‘dog’ of some kind here? Then delete this text, obviously.] [HORNBECK: Consider it done.]   Is actually considered by some people to be a dog.   Look folks, I love our fuzzy little parasites as much as the next guy…   --Unless the next guy is my friend Bill. If it’s Bill, then I love our fuzzy little parasites WAY MORE than the next guy---   …But let’s face facts: You can keep a rat as a pet if you want to but it’s still a rat and it still occupies a rat’s place on the food chain.   You can also choose any one of hundreds of specialized, freak-breeds of miniature, toy, quivering rat-sized dogs because they fit in your purse BUT…   …Don’t expect the Animal Kingdom ---the domain of ACTUAL animals living and foraging for food as best they can in spite of our presence--- to know the difference between your Fifi and fois gras.   Between Ling-ling and lollipops.   Between Sir Yapsalot and… whatever tiny, bite-sized morsel might alliteratively serve to make this sentence work.   My point is: Your “dog” is less likely to qualify as Coyote catnip if he’s actually, you know… a DOG! You know, a DOG-SIZED DOG?   Haven’t heard of any German Shepherds or St. Bernard's or Labrador Retrievers being snatched up by Coyotes have you? No. You know why? Because it’s IMPOSSIBLE for a Coyote to look at another canine, like himself, and mistake it for a bon bon.   You don’t look at your brother-in-law and think “Hey, I could pop that in my mouth right now and it’ll tide me over till dinner”, do you?   (If you do… seek professional help or at the very least keep your hands to yourself you slut.)   Here’s a tip: If your dog is smaller than a Beagle then it’s probably not a real dog.*   *Exceptions apply only to dachshunds (badger hounds) and terriers (earth dogs) which are actual breeds of real dog which make up for in cunning and viciousness what they lack in size and which would have no problem surviving in the wild if they had the opportunity.   But I’ll give you this much… If you find yourself among the confused, it’s not surprising. Even those who are PAID to keep you “informed” can’t seem to get it right.   The other night on CTV News when the story broke, local anchor Ken Shaw had to read THIS off the teleprompter as a seque from some other dog-related story to a report on the very Coyote “problem” noted above:   “You know folks, dogs are one thing. But Coyotes? That’s something completely different.”   Uh… No it isn’t. Now, dogs and vacuum cleaners… THOSE are completely different. But dogs and Coyotes? Pretty much no difference.   So what’s to become of our Coyote problem? Well, at some point the same PETA-head morons who feed scavenging wildlife and then wonder why it comes looking for more will probably revert to their humano-centric roots and scream for blood.   That’s right, Coyotes snapping up voles, mice and Mr. Cuddles will probably be hunted down.   But meanwhile THE REAL THREAT REMAINS UNADDRESSED…   Apparently Toronto doesn’t have a problem with Cougars feasting on its young pups.   Won’t someone think of the children? ---G.D. Hornbeck