HEADLINES for Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Okay, for starters…   Once upon a time… one must figure out how to get back down off of it again.   A beginning is a very dangerous time… Where you’ll find Bruce Cockburn being excessively literal.   It was a dark and stormy night… so I had five. A dark and stormy being a popular Caribbean Island drink consisting of rum and ginger beer.   In the beginning… God realized that things hadn’t started yet.   There once was a girl from Nantucket… No really. There was.   A long, long time ago… uh, that’s why I forget.   But I digress. At least in the sense that having established no coherent course I’m still refusing to stay on it.   I went and saw the movie “Paranormal Activity” on the weekend. It was actually an excellent movie except for one glaring oversight: You know all the creepy supernatural unexplainable stuff that happens? Well, that stuff is impossible.   Which can only mean…   IT’S TIME TO HAVE FUN WITH HEADLINES!!!!!!   And once again, Ladies and Gentlemen, if these weren’t real headlines, would David Letterman be able to do this? OBAMA’S TOP ADVISORS LEAN TOWARD PLAN FOR 30,000 MORE TROOPS FOR AFGHANISTAN   Obama’s Middle Advisors Lean Away From Plan For 30,000 More Troops For Afghanistan   Obama’s Lowest Advisors Bend Over Backwards And Crab Walk Out The Door To Get Away From Plan They’re Convinced Is Trying To Eat Them WITH QUEBEC WIN, TORIES INCH CLOSER TO MAJORITY   …Bumping Into Obama’s Already Off-Balance Top Advisors In The Process And Causing Them To Fall Over MASSIVE BRAZIL BLACKOUT TRIGGERS CRIME ALERT   Massive “Brazilian” triggers blackout ENERGY WATCHDOG URGES DEAL ON CLIMATE   Lethargic Watchdog Purges Pee On Carpet HTC DROID ERIS, THE UNDER-DROID   …Are not the droids you’re looking for! LEAFS LOSE 5-2 CLUNKER TO WILD   Canucks lose pink slip to 57 Chevy to Reserved   Canadians trade rusted out Volvo to Cautious-But-Gullible PM SOOTHES PREMIERS' VACCINE WORRIES   …Massages Away Mayoral Wrinkles and Cures MPP Laugh Lines VATICAN LOOKS TO HEAVENS FOR SIGNS OF ALIEN LIFE   So… Given Up On The Whole “God” Thing Then? DID ARMY GIVE HASAN A PASS OVER MUSLIM RELIGION?   “Passover?” Who the hell proofreads these things. UA PILOT CHARGED WITH BEING OVER ALCOHOL LIMIT   No, Me Not A Pilot At All ANGER OVER AFGHAN WAR AS 6 UK WAR DEAD MOURNED   AHHHHHHHH!!! SAD MILITARY ZOMBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FLAMES, KIPRUSOFF STIFLE CANADIENS   HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! …Stifled Canadiens… heheheh… hoo… HEALTH MINISTER "OUTRAGED" OVER PLANS TO GIVE H1N1 VACCINE TO AFGHAN DETAINEES   So… she’s… not outraged then…? TOO FEW TOILETS FOR OLYMPICS: ASSOCIATION    Not as popular as the “Let’s Have As Many Toilets As We Need For Olympics Association” but you know what? Good for them. Way to have a goal. WINNIPEG ENVIRO-CAR DESIGN GETS INTERNATIONAL NOD   St. John’s Enviro-Trawler Gets International Cod Vancouver Enviro-Hookers To Get International Rod… Y’know, when the Olympics start up. POTATO HARVESTERS EYE DISASTER RELIEF   POTATOES… EYES… GET IT!?!?!?!?! SPEZZA CATCHES BREAK IN SHOOTOUT   Which was good. Cause he was a little winded. PARENTS JAILED FOR ALLEGEDLY BEATING SON   Actually, Son Beat Himself But He’s Catholic So… Mom And Dad Stepped Up And Finally… RESCUERS WHO SAVED TEEN TRAPPED ON ICE FLOE FIND THEMSELVES STRANDED ON ICE   But I think we can all agree that the important thing here is that they found themselves.